WHAT WOULD SCENES IN A FILM FEEL LIKE WITHOUT THEIR RESPECTIVE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENTS? THE SCORES CREATED BY COMPOSERS HELP COMMUNICATE THE EMOTION OF THE SCENE THAT WORDS ALONE CANNOT. THE CERTAIN COMBINATION OF NOTES AND CHORDS BRING FORTH THE FEELING OR EMOTION THAT CAPTURES THAT MOMENT IN TIME. MUSIC IS A POWERFUL TOOL. HOW DO WE QUANTIFY ITS POWER AND INFLUENCE? HOW CAN WE ACCURATELY DEFINE MUSIC?
EMOTIONS IN TIME, CAPTURED THROUGH SOUND. IT'S REALLY THAT SIMPLE. A PIECE OF MUSIC HAS THE ABILITY TO TELL A STORY. IT CAN BE UPLIFTING, BRING SOMEONE TO TEARS AND RELATABLE ALL AT THE SAME TIME. MOST OF US AREN'T AWARE OF THIS BUT TRY LISTENING TO THE MUSIC BEHIND SOME OF THE SCENES IN YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE OR SONG. BEING A MUSICIAN AND SOMEONE WHO WRITES MUSIC, I AM OF THE BELIEF MUSIC SHOULD BE FELT NOT HEARD. I TAKE THIS APPROACH WHEN CREATING. UNFORTUNATELY, THE MAJORITY OF US ARE USED TO HEARING MUSIC AND VERY SELDOM LISTEN. THIS IS BECAUSE OF THE WAY RADIO IS PROGRAMMED BUT THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS. WHAT IF I TOLD YOU YOUR LIFE LIKE A MOVIE IS ALSO SCORED. THOUGH NOT EVERY SCENE IN OUR LIVES HAS AN ACCOMPANY TRACK MOST OF OR MEMORIES DO HAVE MUSIC ATTACHED TO THEM. THINK ABOUT MOMENTS IN YOUR LIFE AND THEN THINK ABOUT A SONG THAT CAN IMMEDIATELY TRANSPORT YOU TO THAT MOMENT. MUSIC CAN BRING THOSE EMOTIONS RIGHT BACK, WHETHER IT BE A FAVORITE SONG YOU HEARD EVERY WEEKEND 10 SUMMERS AGO AT A PARTY OR A SONG YOU PLAYED ON REPEAT AFTER HEARTBREAK. FOR ME MUSIC HAS BEEN AT THE FOREFRONT OF ALL MY EXPERIENCES IN LIFE. AS A CHILD I LOVED MUSIC. I MEAN LOVED. HAVING AN OLDER SISTER AND COUSINS REALLY EXPOSED ME TO DIFFERENT STYLES. MERENGUE, SALSA, SPANISH POP, FREESTYLE, NEW WAVE, HOUSE AND OF COURSE HIP HOP. MY COUSINS HAD ALL TYPES OF RECORDS I WOULD LISTEN TO ALONG WITH MY MOMS TAPE COLLECTION. YUP, TAPE COLLECTION. ALSO STAYING UP LATE NIGHTS WATCHING MUSIC CLUB INFOMERCIALS EXPANDED MY PALATE. I VIVIDLY REMEMBER ONE EXPERIENCE IN PARTICULAR WHERE I WAS ABOUT 7 OR 8 YEARS OLD. AT THAT TIME SLICK RICK HAD JUST DROPPED "THE GREAT ADVENTURES OF SLICK RICK" AND I LOVED THAT ALBUM. A TEENAGE LOVE WAS MY FAVORITE SONG. AROUND THAT SAME TIME, I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH ON MY COUSINS FRIEND. I WANTED TO MARRY HER THOUGH SHE WAS 15 OR 16 YEARS OLD. LONG STORY SHORT, ONE DAY I WAS AT MY COUSINS HOUSE AND I WALKED IN ON HER MAKING OUT WITH SOME DUDE........HEARTBREAK! I RAN OUT AND CRIED MY EYES OUT. I PLAYED THAT RECORD ON REPEAT FOR WEEKS. "DON'T HURT ME AGAIN, DON'T DON'T DON'T HURT ME AGAIN, A TEENAGE LOVE". I WAS CRUSHED AND TILL THIS DAY EVERY TIME I HEAR THAT SONG I REMEMBER THAT EMOTION. NOT SO MUCH THE ACTUAL EXPERIENCE OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED BUT MORESO THE WAY I FELT. IT'S ACTUALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS. AS YOU CONTINUE TO READ YOU MAY SEE I HAVE AN ATTRACTION TO A CERTAIN MOOD. THERE IS A LAUNDRY LIST OF SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF MOMENTS IN LIFE. MUSIC IS LIKE A TIME CAPSULE IN ESSENCE. MONICA "DON'T TAKE IT PERSONAL" MASE "TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME" DMX "THE CONVO" FABOLOUS "CAN'T LET YOU GO" NOREAGA "BLOOD MONEY PT III" WU TANG CLAN "INTRO". THESE ARE ALL RANDOM SONGS BUT AT ANY MOMENT I CAN HEAR THEM AND REMEMBER WHAT I WAS FEELING AT THE TIME. THERE ARE TWO ARTIST IN PARTICULAR WHO HAVE CAPTURED MY EMOTIONS IN TIME THROUGH SOUND: PHIL COLLINS AND KID CUDI. THEY EACH GOT ME THROUGH HEARTBREAK AND DEPRESSION RESPECTIVELY. PHIL COLLINS THE MAN IS A GENIUS. HIS MUSICALITY AND SONGWRITING ARE UNPARALLELED. EVERY TIME YOU LISTEN TO HIS MUSIC, KNOW HE BASICALLY CREATED THE ENTIRE PIECE. I GRAVITATED TOWARDS HIS WORK BECAUSE I FELT AS IF THE SONGS HE HAD WRITTEN WERE SCENES FROM MY LIFE. "AGAINST ALL ODDS" "HOW CAN I JUST LET YOU WALK AWAY JUST LET YOU LEAVE WITHOUT A TRACE? WHEN I STAND HERE TAKING EVERY BREATH WITH YOU, OOH OOH YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNEW ME AT ALL HOW CAN YOU JUST WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN ALL I CAN DO IS WATCH YOU LEAVE? 'CAUSE WE'VE SHARED THE LAUGHTER AND THE PAIN AND EVEN SHARED THE TEARS YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY KNEW ME AT ALL" WOW. THATS WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. NOT ONLY WERE HIS LYRICS ON POINT BUT THE MUSIC BEHIND IT CAPTURED THE ENTIRE EMOTION PERFECTLY. I DROWNED MYSELF IN HIS MUSIC. "ONE MORE NIGHT" "I WISH IT WOULD RAIN DOWN" "HOLD ON MY HEART" PLAYED ON REPEAT FOR YEARS. IT WASN'T UNTIL I GOT OVER HEARTBREAK THAT THE MUSIC STARTED TO LOOSE ITS SIGNIFICANCE TO ME. THOUGH I STILL LOVE PHIL COLLINS AND HIS MUSIC, I LISTEN TO HIM WITH DIFFERENT EARS AND NOT AS OFTEN. I'M NOT STUCK IN THOSE EMOTIONS ANY LONGER BECAUSE I MOVED FORWARD BUT ANYTIME HIS MUSIC COMES ON, I DO REMEMBER. KID CUDI MY FAVORITE ARTIST OF ALL TIME FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS. HIS AN UNABASHED METHODS OF SHARING HIS EMOTIONS. HIS AUTHENTICITY AND DEFIANT APPROACH TO MUSIC MAKING IS AWE INSPIRING. HIS WILLINGNESS TO SPEAK ON DEPRESSION AND FEELING LESS THEN AMAZES ME STILL. "A VOICE WHO SPOKE OF VULNERABILITIES AND OTHER HUMAN EMOTIONS AND ISSUES NEVER BEFORE HEARD SO VIVIDLY AND HONEST. THIS IS THE STORY OF A YOUNG MAN WHO NOT ONLY BELIEVED IN HIMSELF, BUT HIS DREAMS TOO" THIS IS FROM "IN MY DREAMS" PERFORMED BY COMMON ON THE "MAN ON THE MOON" ALBUM. KID CUDI LIKE PHIL COLLINS CAPTURED MY EMOTIONS IN TIME. I REMEMBER SPEAKING TO A COUPLE OF PEOPLE I KNOW AND THEY WERE SHOCKED I SAID CUDI WAS THE BEST ARTIST OUT. MY RESPONSE WAS THAT KID CUDI SPEAKS FOR ME. HIS SONGS COULD'VE BE WRITTEN BY ME BASED ON MY EXPERIENCES. I'VE BATTLED DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS FOR A LONG TIME AND NEVER HAD I HEARD AN ARTIST MAKE MUSIC ADDRESSING THOSE ISSUES SO VIVIDLY AND HONEST. "SOLO DOLO" "LISTEN GOOD I DON'T HAVE NOBODY BUT WHAT I MIGHT FEEL ARE THE SOUNDS OF SANITY HOPING WHAT I HEAR, LOOPS ITSELF CONTINUOUSLY THEN I WONT BE AFRAID, NO NO" "HEART OF A LION" "PLEASE SAVE A KID THAT NEEDS SOME HELP AND I CAN'T SEE AHEAD OF ME SO I MOVE IN STEALTH HIDE AND SEEK WITHIN A DREAM I SEEM TO GLIDE ABOVE MY HORROR THOUGH I FEEL I'LL NEVER BE COMPLETE INSIDE THE DARK I BORROW TO PROCEED AND REMAIN INTACT MY MENTAL IS SO UNSTABLE AND THEY TALK AND JUDGE A MAN THEY HAVE NO CLUE OF WHAT I'M CAPABLE TIL I SHOW A SIDE OF ME NO ONE HAD THOUGHT COULD BE WITHIN I TOLD YA NO I'M NOT NO LOSER WON'T SEE YOU IN HELL" "SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE" "AN INDEPENDENT OLDER SISTER KEPT ME FLY WHEN SHE COULD BUT THEY ALL DIDN'T SEE, THE LITTLE BIT OF SADNESS IN ME, SCOTTY I'VE GOT SOME ISSUES THAT NOBODY CAN SEE AND ALL OF THESE EMOTIONS ARE POURING OUT OF ME I BRING THEM TO THE LIGHT FOR YOU IT'S ONLY RIGHT THIS IS THE SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE THE SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE" "DO IT ALONE" "THESE VOICES THEY TELL ME GO WHY SHOULD I EVER GO MAN I'M SO COMFORTABLE HERE WHY SHOULD I HEAD TO A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE LIVE IN FEAR STANDOFF-ISH TO REALLY HEAR SOMETHIN' THEY CAN REALLY FEEL BUT SEE I'LL NEVER GET WHY THE EARTH IS A PUZZLE THAT I'LL NEVER FIT" I'VE LISTENED TO THESE SONGS REPEATEDLY AND THEY HAVE GOTTEN ME THROUGH SOME TOUGH TIMES. BUT THIS IS WHERE IT CAN GET TRICKY. MUSIC IS POWERFUL. I AT SOME POINT RECOGNIZED THE MUSIC I WAS LISTENING TO KEPT ME HEARTBROKEN AND DEPRESSED. IT WAS FEEDING MY SUBCONSCIOUS AND IT WAS NOT ALLOWING ME TO MOVE FORWARD. I STILL LISTEN TO KID CUDI REGULARLY AND IT REMINDS ME OF THOSE DARK TIMES BUT I DO LISTEN WITH A CHANGED PERSPECTIVE. HIS MUSIC FUELS ME TO CREATE AND INSPIRE, RATHER THAN DWELL ON DEPRESSIVE EMOTIONS. THERE AREN'T ENOUGH WORDS I CAN WRITE TO THANK SCOTT & PHIL. OUR LIVES ARE SCORED BY THE MUSIC WE LISTEN TO. SELECT YOUR PLAYLIST WITH A WELL PLACED BALANCE. TOO MUCH OF ONE THING IS NEVER GOOD AND CAN KEEP YOU TRAPPED IN ONE EMOTION, THAT HAS BEEN CAPTURED IN TIME. THE WORD SLAVERY IS AT TIMES CONSIDERED TABOO AND IN A SENSE RIGHTFULLY SO, CONSIDERING THE ATROCITIES ASSOCIATED WITH THE WORD. I COULD NOT CONCLUDE THIS PIECE WITHOUT TOUCHING UPON THAT HISTORY. THE DEVASTATION TO THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY IS STILL FELT TO THIS DAY. AS I AM WRITING THIS PIECE, THE RIPPLE EFFECT STILL REVERBERATES. IN 1860’S THE BLACK POPULATION MADE UP 14% OF THE TOTAL AMERICAN POPULOUS. TODAY THE AFRICAN AMERICAN POPULATION STILL MAKES UP ABOUT 14% OF THE AMERICAN POPULATION ACCORDING TO THE CENSUS BUREAU. THE PERCENTAGES HAVE REMAINED STEADY BUT THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. IN THE 1860’S 90% OF THE BLACK POPULATION WERE SLAVES. THAT IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION. BASICALLY, IT TRANSLATES TO THIS: IMAGINE JUST ABOUT EVERY BLACK PERSON YOU CURRENTLY KNOW, BEING A SLAVE. THAT HURTS MY HEART JUST TO THINK ABOUT. THOUGH THE PHYSICAL CHAINS WERE LOOSENED AND THE SHACKLES REMOVED WITH THE ABOLITION OF SLAVERY IN THE MID 1860’S-1870’S THOSE WOUNDS RUN DEEP.
TRUTHFULLY SPEAKING, WAS SLAVERY EVER REALLY ABOLISHED? IN ITS MOST OVERT FORM, YES OF COURSE. THINGS HAVE GOTTEN A WHOLE LOT BETTER, BUT IT ONLY TOOK ABOUT 200 YEARS TO SEE INCREMENTAL PROGRESS. THE 13TH AMENDMENT TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION STATES: NEITHER SLAVERY NOR INVOLUNTARY SERVITUDE, EXCEPT AS A PUNISHMENT FOR CRIME WHEREOF THE PARTY SHALL HAVE BEEN DULY CONVICTED, SHALL EXIST WITHIN THE UNITED STATES, OR ANY PLACE SUBJECT TO THEIR JURISDICTION. WHAT THIS MEANS IS IF YOU ARE CONVICTED OF A CRIME, THE STATE HAS THE RIGHT TO TREAT YOU AS A SLAVE. CORPORATIONS ARE CURRENTLY USING PRISON LABORERS TO MAKE HUGE PROFITS WHILE LITERALLY PAYING THEM PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR. IT’S ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE OF THE 2.3 MILLION PEOPLE IMPRISONED IN THIS COUNTRY, 1 MILLION OF THEM ARE AFRICAN AMERICAN. THE DISPARITY IN EDUCATION AND OPPORTUNITY IN THIS COUNTRY IS IMMENSE. ALTHOUGH THIS IS THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY AND WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT IS TRUE, CIRCUMSTANCES PLAY A HUGE ROLE. AS A TEEN, I GREW UP IN THE “HOOD” AND I KNEW A COUPLE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN THE “PROJECTS”. BEFORE I MOVE ON I NEED TO MAKE KNOWN, THIS ISN'T A CONDEMNATION OF THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN “PROJECTS” OR MEANT TO BE DISPARAGING IN ANY WAY. EVERY TIME I WOULD GO VISIT PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE “PROJECTS” I ALWAYS FELT A SENSE OF SADNESS. LIVING IN MY “HOOD” I ALWAYS FELT A SENSE OF SADNESS. I WASN'T SURE WHY BUT IT HIT ME ONE DAY AS AN ADULT. IT’ WAS THE SPIRIT OF HOPELESSNESS. GENERATIONS OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITHOUT HOPE. THE “PROJECTS” ARE LIKE JAIL CELLS, THEY JUST HAVE OPEN DOORS. WHAT I MEAN THE PROJECTS ARE LIKE JAIL CELLS WITH OPEN DOORS IS THAT SOME OF THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE ARE VICTIMS OF CIRCUMSTANCE AND AREN'T AWARE OF IT. BECAUSE YOU CAN COME AND GO AS YOU PLEASE, DOES THAT REALLY MEAN YOU ARE FREE? ARE YOU REALLY FREE WHEN YOUR OPPORTUNITIES ARE LIMITED TO THE FEW CHOICES YOU ARE GIVEN? YOU WALK AROUND ANY “HOOD” AND YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY ADVERTISEMENTS FOR CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL. SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO RESORT TO DRUG DEALING BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN CONVINCED THAT'S THE ONLY OPTION THEY HAVE. SURROUNDED NEIGHBORS WHO ARE BATTLING DRUG AND ALCOHOL ADDICTION. SURROUNDED BY FATHERLESS HOUSEHOLDS BECAUSE THE MEN HAVE BEEN INCARCERATED. THIS IS WHAT WE SEE, THE CHOICES PRESENTED TO US. MOST US WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY CANNOT SEE. WE LACK FAITH, UNDERSTANDABLY SO. AGAIN THESE ARE GENERATIONAL ISSUES SO WE ARE AFFLICTED ON MULTIPLE FRONTS. HOW CAN WE BE FREE IF WE DON'T TRULY UNDERSTAND OUR OWN CONDITIONS? THERE IS POWER IN KNOWLEDGE. YOU KNOW WHAT SCARED SLAVE OWNERS MOST? AN EDUCATED BLACK PERSON. WE HAVE SEEN THROUGHOUT HISTORY WHAT HAPPENS TO EDUCATED BLACK LEADERS, OBAMA BEING THE LATEST (THOUGH HE DIDN'T SUFFER THE SAME FATE AS MOST OTHERS). KNOWLEDGE AND EDUCATION ARE THE BIGGEST WEAPONS AGAINST SLAVERY IN ANY FORM. THIS ISN'T MEANT TO BE A PIECE TO CAUSE RACIAL DIVIDE OR POINT FINGERS BECAUSE WHITE AMERICAN HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED AS WELL. NOT TO THE EXTENT OF AFRICAN AMERICANS, BUT THEY HAVE BEEN ENSLAVED MENTALLY. WE ALL HAVE. THE RACIAL DIVIDE THAT EXISTS IN THIS COUNTRY IS PURPOSELY FUELED TO DISTRACT THE POPULOUS FROM THE REAL ISSUE AT HAND: CLASS WARFARE. MIDDLE AND LOWER “CLASS” WHITE AMERICANS HAVE BEEN CONVINCED THAT THE ROOT OF THEIR ISSUES IS THE “OTHER”. PEOPLE OF COLOR WHO ARE TAKING THEIR JOBS WITHOUT RIGHT OR ABUSING THE SYSTEM THROUGH SOCIAL BENEFITS. A LOT OF HARD WORKING WHITE AMERICANS FEEL AS IF THEY HAVE BEEN LEFT BEHIND. BLUE COLLAR JOBS HAVE DISAPPEARED AND THE DEMOGRAPHICS OF THE COUNTRY CONTINUE TO CHANGE. POLITICIANS PLAY INTO THESE EMOTIONS TO GARNER VOTES BUT IN THE END, DO VERY LITTLE TO ADDRESS THE NEEDS OF THE WHITE WORKING “CLASS”. PRESIDENT TRUMP IS JUST THE LATEST EXAMPLE. HE MADE HUGE CAMPAIGN PROMISES TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN BUT HAS DONE VERY LITTLE. HE PROMISED TO STAND UP FOR THE “LITTLE MAN” BUT HIS CABINET IS FILLED WITH CAREER POLITICIANS AND MULTIMILLIONAIRE DECISION MAKERS. BUT THE WALL WILL SOLVE THE ECONOMIC PROBLEM, RIGHT? LIKE I MENTIONED EARLIER IN THE PIECE, THIS IS THE LAND OF OPPORTUNITY. EACH DAY WE ARE GIVEN A CHANCE TO BECOME BETTER VERSIONS OF OURSELVES. SHEDDING THE CHAINS OF CONTROL ISN'T EASY AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELVES AS AN OUTCAST. THOUGH I’VE OUTLINED A LOT OF NEGATIVES, THERE ARE ALWAYS ROSES IN THE CONCRETE. I SPOKE ABOUT SLAVERY AND THOUGH THAT TOPIC IS EXTREMELY DIFFICULT TO DISCUSS, THERE IS A CERTAIN BEAUTY THAT AROSE FROM THOSE ASHES. AMERICAN CULTURE TODAY WOULD NOT BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF THE PREVIOUSLY ENSLAVED AMERICANS. MUSIC, ARTS, LITERATURE, SCIENCE, RELIGION, POLITICS FOREVER CHANGED BY AFRICAN AMERICANS. THROUGHOUT THE DECADES AFRICAN-AMERICANS AND MORE RECENTLY PEOPLE OF COLOR, CONTINUE TO BE OPPRESSED AND SILENCED, YET CONTINUE TO STRIVE. THE RESILIENCE OF THE BLACK COMMUNITY IS A THING OF BEAUTY AND MARVEL. THERE IS PLENTY OF WORK TO BE DONE AND WE ALL MUST EMBRACE THAT SPIRIT AND CONTINUE THAT WORK WHILE ALSO ATTACKING THE ISSUE OF CLASS WARFARE. WE MUST REMEMBER THOUGH RACISM IS ALIVE, PRESENT AND A PART OF OUR HISTORY, THE DIVISION CREATED AMONGST THE 99% OF US BY IT NEEDS HEALING. THAT IS THE REAL BATTLE. DIVIDED WE WILL NOT SUCCEED. EDUCATING OURSELVES ON HOW GOVERNMENT ACTUALLY WORKS IS KEY AND SO IS QUESTIONING THINGS PRESENTED TO US. WE NEED TO HOLD CORPORATIONS ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE THINGS PRESENTED TO US AND IN THE FASHION THAT THEY ARE PRESENTED. FREEDOM IS NOT ONLY BOUND BY TRUTH BUT ALSO MAINTAINED BY TRANSPARENCY. WE MUST BE ABLE TO QUESTION INTENT WHETHER IT’S A POLITICIAN, EDUCATOR OR RELIGIOUS FIGUREHEAD AND NOT JUST ACCEPTING WHAT WE ARE TOLD AS GOSPEL. FREEDOM ISN’T GIVEN IT IS EARNED. IT STARTS WITH US AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND OUR WAYS OF THINKING. AS EN VOGUE SO ELOQUENTLY SANG, "FREE YOUR MIND, AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW". FREEDOM CANNOT EXIST WITHOUT LIVING IN TRUTH. bottomline. in fact, FREEDOM IS BOUND BY TRUTH. THEY ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. I URGE YOU TO RE-WATCH OR WATCH FOR THE FIRST TIME “THE MATRIX”. THAT FILM IS PROFOUND BEYOND MEASURE. IT’S TRULY A FILM THAT ENCAPSULATES THE MEASURE I AM SHARING. THE MOVIE'S SOCIAL COMMENTARY REFLECTS THE ISSUES WE FACE DAILY. ARE YOU TRULY FREE BECAUSE YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO WEAR OR EAT FOR DINNER?
SPEAKING OF DINNER, HOW FREE ARE WE WHEN WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ARE INGESTING INTO OUR BODIES. IS IT A REAL CHOICE WHEN YOUR OPTIONS ARE LIMITED TO MCDONALD'S, BURGER KING, WENDY’S OR SUBWAY? THAT’S NOT FREEDOM, THAT’S AN ILLUSION. CORPORATIONS FOR YEARS HAVE BEEN FIGHTING BACK ON HAVING TO LABEL FOODS THAT CONTAIN OR ARE GENETICALLY MODIFIED, MEANING THEY HAVE BEEN CREATED IN A LAB. PURPOSEFULLY AVOIDING HAVING TO LABEL FOOD BECAUSE OF REPERCUSSIONS DO THE LINE. IN 2016 CONGRESS PASSED A BILL THAT WOULD MANDATE COMPANIES WHO SELL GMO FOODS TO LABEL THEIR PRODUCTS WITH A QR CODE. THAT IS LAUGHABLE. ALSO IN 2016, CONGRESS SHOT DOWN THE IDEA OF LABELING MEAT PRODUCTS. BASICALLY TODAY YOU CAN BUY A POUND OF GROUND BEEF AND THAT BEEF CAN COME FROM 4 DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. WHAT KIND OF CHOICE IS THAT? A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THIS FALSE SENSE OF OPTIONS IS A COMPANY LIKE TROPICANA. GROWING UP POOR, TROPICANA ORANGE JUICE IS ADVERTISED AS A HEALTHY PRODUCT THAT IS GOOD FOR YOU. THE ISSUE IS THERE IS A CONFLATION OF THE BRAND AND THEIR PRODUCTS. IN THE “HOOD” TROPICANA ADVERTISES IT’S ‘PUNCH” LINE OF PRODUCTS AT A DISCOUNTED RATE COMPARED TO ITS ORANGE JUICE LINE. THROUGH THE ADVERTING DOLLARS SPENT ON EARNING TRUST AS A BEVERAGE THAT IS ‘’HEALTHY’’, A LESS INFORMED CONSUMER BELIEVE THEY ARE GETTING A GOOD PRODUCT AT A REASONABLE PRICE. THE “PUNCH” LINE (NO PUN INTENDED) IS FILLED WITH CORN SYRUP AND SUGAR AND YEARS LATER WE WONDER WHY WE ARE AFFLICTED WITH OBESITY AND DIABETES. THIS IS DONE PURPOSEFULLY IN MY OPINION. HAVE YOU EVER MET A PARENT WHO CHOOSES NOT TO VACCINATE THEIR CHILD? FORGET WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD ABOUT VACCINES AND SPEAK TO A PARENT WHO'S CHILD IS LABEL AUTISTIC OR PLACED ON THE SPECTRUM. ASK THEM WHAT FREEDOMS DO THEY HAVE IN THIS MATTER. THEY ARE RIDICULED BY THE MEDIA, SHUNNED BY THE EDUCATION SYSTEM ARE NOT SUPPORTED BY THE MEDICAL DOCTORS TREATING THEIR CHILD. THOUSANDS OF PARENTS WITH THE SAME STORY, MY CHILD WAS FUNCTIONING NORMALLY THEN RECEIVED THEIR DOSAGE OF VACCINES AND NEVER BEEN THE SAME. VACCINES GIVEN OUT TODAY ARE COCKTAIL DOSAGES. ACCORDING TO THE CDC VACCINE SCHEDULE IN 1983 A CHILD RECEIVED 10 SHOTS FROM BIRTH TO AGE 6 SPREAD OUT. IN CONTRAST IN 2013 CHILDREN RECEIVED A TOTAL OF 49 VACCINES IN THE SAME AGE RANGE. A PARENT IS THEN SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THIS WITH NO ALTERNATIVE BECAUSE THERE REALLY ISN'T A CHOICE IN WHICH VACCINES ARE GIVEN OR A DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THE VACCINES CONTAIN. IS THAT FREEDOM, WHEN WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE CHOICES ON THE LIVES AND HEALTH OF OUR CHILDREN? CORPORATE GREED, THE POLITICAL SYSTEM AND THE PEOPLE SEEKING POWER WHO RUN THEM HAVE SLOWLY MOVED TO CONTROL WHAT WE THINK AND DESIRE UNDER OUR VERY NOSES. HAVE YOU EVER LEFT YOUR FUN AT HOME ON THE WAY TO WORK AND FELT DETACHED? I’VE NOTICED RECENTLY PEOPLE ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA FEEDS HAVING CONVERSATIONS WITH SOCIAL MEDIA, NOT ACTUAL PEOPLE. FULL-BLOWN CONVERSATIONS AND DEBATES WITH FACEBOOK. WE’RE PLUGGED INTO OUR MOBILE DEVICES, OUR COMPUTERS SCREENS ACHING FOR ACKNOWLEDGMENT. SEEKING CONVERSATION AND VALIDATION. 60 MINUTES DID A STORY RECENTLY ON HOW FACEBOOK PURPOSELY DELAYS LIKES AND COMMENTS TO KEEP YOU CLICKING BACK INTO THE APP. SITES LIKE FACEBOOK, GOOGLE AND YOUTUBE MONITOR WHAT WE CLICK ON AND MEASURE THE POSTS WE LIKE. I ALWAYS WONDERED WHY THE FACEBOOK STOCK IS SO EXPENSIVE, IT IS BECAUSE THEY ARE CATALOGING DATA BASED ON OUR INTERACTIONS AND MOODS. TITO LIKES VIDEOS OF PUPPIES AND DISLIKES VIDEOS OF CAR CRASHES. WHY IS THAT INFORMATION BEING EVALUATED? THE NSA DOES THE SAME THING WITH OUR EMAILS AND PERSONAL PHONES CONVERSATIONS IN THE NAME OF FREEDOM. IS THAT FREEDOM? WE ARE THEN CONSTANTLY BOMBARDED WITH FAKE NEWS FROM ALL ANGLES. HOW ARE WE FREE WHEN WHAT SEE ISN’T WHAT IS TRUE? WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF PERCEPTION AND WHO CAN CREATE THE GREATEST MIRAGE. A GREAT LINE FROM THE USUAL SUSPECTS “THE GREATEST TRICK THE DEVIL EVER PULLED WAS CONVINCING THE WORLD HE DIDN'T EXIST”. A LOT OF TIMES PEOPLE WONDER ABOUT THE NATIONAL DEBT AND WHO DO WE OWE THIS MONEY TO. THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE, THE 1%. THEY CONTROL THE WEALTH OF THE NATION, THEREFORE, THEY CONTROL THE COUNTRY. NOT ONLY DO THEY CONTROL THE COUNTRY AND DECISIONS WE MAKE AT HOME OR ABOARD, THEY CONTROL WHO “REPRESENTS” THE PEOPLE. THE WEALTHY HIRE LOBBYIST WHO IN TURN COERCE POLITICIANS INTO DOING THEIR BIDDING. POLITICIANS ARE THE PUPPETS OF THE 1% AND USED AS SUCH, IN EXCHANGE FOR CAMPAIGN FINANCING. IN 2010, THE SUPREME COURT HEARD THE CITIZENS UNITED HEARING AND RULED INTO LAW THAT CORPORATIONS FOR PROFIT OR NOT, AMERICAN OF FOREIGN COULD POUR IN UNLIMITED FUNDS INTO CAMPAIGNS. THEY RULED CORPORATIONS SHOULD BE TREATED AS PEOPLE AND HAVE A VOICE AS SUCH. THE AVERAGE CITIZEN CAN DONATE UP TO $5000 TO A CAMPAIGN. THOSE FUNDS ARE IN TURN USED FOR CANDIDATE ADS. FOR EXAMPLE, THE KOCH BROTHERS SPENT AN ESTIMATED JUST UNDER $400 MILLION IN THE 2012 ELECTIONS AND ESTIMATED $889 MILLION IN THE 2016 ELECTION ACCORDING TO THE NY TIMES. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A FREE SOCIETY? ARE ALL OUR VOICES EQUAL? NOT ONLY ARE THE VOICES OF THE WEALTHY LOUDER THROUGH LOBBYING AND THE CITIZENS UNITED DECISION, BUT POLITICIANS CONTINUE TO DO THEIR BIDDING BY THE USAGE OF GERRYMANDERING AND THE OUTDATED THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE. THE ACT OF GERRYMANDERING MANIPULATES THE BOUNDARIES OF AN ELECTORAL CONSTITUENCY SO, AS TO FAVOR ONE PARTY OR CLASS. THIS IS HAPPENING THROUGHOUT THE SOUTH AND MID-WEST. THEY ARE BLATANTLY CHANGING THE DEMOGRAPHICS TO SUBDUE VOTERS. ALSO IN PARTS OF THE SOUTH LAWS WERE CHANGED TO AFFECT CERTAIN SEGMENTS OF THE POPULOUS. IF YOU GUESS IT WAS THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN COMMUNITY, YOU ARE RIGHT. FOR DECADES IT’S BEEN THE TRADITION FOR CERTAIN COUNTIES IN THE SOUTH TO VOTE ON SUNDAYS. VOTERS WOULD VOTE RIGHT AFTER CHURCH. THE LAWS WERE CHANGES ON EARLY VOTING ELIMINATING THIS PRACTICE, WHICH LEFT LARGE AMOUNTS OF VOTERS ON THE OUTSKIRTS. THEY RELIED ON THE TRADITION OF VOTING AFTER CHURCH BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO OTHER MEANS TO GET TO A POLL LOCATION FOR THEM TO VOTE. A FREE SOCIETY SHOULD ENCOURAGE ITS CITIZENS TO VOTE NOT DISCOURAGE THEM. WE JUST HAD AN ELECTION WHERE ONE CANDIDATE WON THE POPULAR VOTE BUT DIDN'T WIN THE ELECTION, IS THAT THE VOICE OF THE FREE? THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY USES SUPER DELEGATES WHICH ARE NOT BOUND BY THE VOTE OF THE PEOPLE AND CAN DECIDE WHO REPRESENTS THE PARTY, IS THAT THE VOICE OF FREEDOM? THAT BEING SAID, WE ALL NEED TO EXERCISE OUR RIGHT TO VOTE, REGARDLESS OF WHERE YOU RESIDE. PEOPLE HAVE LITERALLY DIED TO PROVIDE US ALL THE RIGHT TO VOTE SO WE SHOULD DO THEM HONOR. IT’S THE LEAST WE COULD DO. BESIDES, IF YOUR VOTE DOESN'T MATTER, WHY WOULD THE PARTIES MENTION PREVIOUSLY WORK SO HARD TO DETER YOU FROM EXERCISING YOUR RIGHT? THE TRUTH IS LIKE AN ONION, THE MORE LAYERS YOU PEEL OFF THE MORE IT MAKES YOU WANT TO CRY. To be continued..... Are we really free or is freedom an illusion created by the choices presented to us? Though slavery in its most obvious iteration is almost non-existent in this country, our minds and souls are enslaved.
I've Written and re-written this piece numerous times. There aren't enough words to grasp the severity and/or entirety of this subject in one post. perhaps a book would be more appropriate. Like all of the thoughts I post, this is an opinion piece based on experience, so I felt a need to share my struggle. Though I am a free man, I am enslaved. The negative thought patterns in my mind, have a tight grip on my ability to rejoice in the freedoms afforded to me. God intended for me to be a creator, but the enemy within deprives me of that promise. My spirit has been beaten to close to submission with the thoughts instilled in me throughout a 30-year period. I’m not good enough, no one cares, what’s the point? Those thoughts have mastered my conscious and subconscious, enslaving my reality. Despite the truth, which is that I have the freedom to pursue my heart’s desires. In the last 4 years I have built a home, a business, an office and a marriage. I have the gifts God has blessed me with to further create the reality I desire. Yet, the grip negativity has on my mind is paralyzing. It doesn’t allow me to progress in my career, maintain friendships or enjoy the simplicities of life. It is so ironic. But truth is always the truth, not what we choose it to be. I am in constant battle within because I make the choice to believe what my mind is telling me. Acknowledgement of this is the first step. Freedom for me will come because I am able to admit and now confront what has been holding me back. I now choose to no longer be indebted to the falsehoods embedded into my consciousness. The second step is looking for the resources to assist in the battle and the diligence to move towards victory. That come for some in the form of faith, friendship or a psychologist. For me it has been faith and the willingness to be truthful to myself and my partner. As individuals we must choose constantly to free ourselves from our negative thinking. We must choose to live for not just ourselves but for our families and communities. It is a difficult task but you can never be truly free until your mind is. Though we are not in shackles, the vast majority of us are mentally enslaved. That being said, are we in control of the choices we make or the way that we think? I am not so sure. Through the history of the world and specifically this country, the choices we have and eventually make are driven and defined by the all mighty dollar. WE ARE CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY BOMBARDED WITH COMMERCIAL ADVERTISEMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS, THEN GIVEN CHOICES BASED ON THE OPTIONS PRESENTED TO US. EVERYTHING FROM ENTERTAINMENT, TO FOOD, POLITICS, AND EDUCATION ARE ALL CONTROLLED VARIABLES. MY WIFE AND I MET A FARMER A FEW YEARS BACK AT A FARMER’S MARKET AND SHE ASKED HIM A FEW QUESTION ABOUT HIS PRODUCE, ONE IS IF IT WAS ORGANIC. HE TOLD US IT WASN’T TECHNICALLY ORGANIC BECAUSE HE COULDN'T AFFORD TO PAY THE GOVERNMENT THE FEE IT COST TO LABEL ORGANIC. HIS PRODUCE WAS RAISED AND TREATED THE EXACT SAME WAY ORGANIC PRODUCE IS BUT HE ISN'T ALLOWED TO LABEL ORGANIC. IS THAT FREEDOM? WHEN CHOOSING A CAREER, ARE YOU ALLOWED TO FOCUS ON THE STUDIES YOU WISH TO PURSUE OR ARE YOU FORCED TO TAKE ELECTIVE COURSES UNDER THE GUISE THAT IT’LL MAKE YOU A MORE ROUNDED STUDENT? HOW MANY OF USE GRADUATE AND DON'T KNOW A THING ABOUT THE TAX CODE OR STUDENT LOAN RATE, YET WE ARE FORCED TO TAKE GEOMETRY OR MUSIC HISTORY? THE BOTTOM LINE IS THE ALL MIGHTY DOLLAR. WE ALL HAVE BECOME ENSLAVED THROUGH DEBT. THE IDEA OF BEING A HOMEOWNER IS DRILLED INTO OUR SUBCONSCIOUS FROM EARLY ADULTHOOD. BECAUSE WE NEED THE HIGH PAYING JOB TO AFFORD THE HOUSE WITH THE PICKET FENCE, DEBT IS THE NORM. SO WE GO INTO DEBT FOR EDUCATION AND THEN MORE DEBT ADDED TO PURCHASE A HOME. EVENTUALLY, CHILDREN ENTER THE EQUATION AND YOU ARE WORKING INTO YOUR 70’S WITH RETIREMENT AS THE CARROT AND YOU THE MULE. THE BIBLE SAYS IN 2 PETER 2:19 “THEY PROMISE FREEDOM, BUT THEY THEMSELVES ARE SLAVES OF SIN AND CORRUPTION. FOR YOU ARE A SLAVE TO WHATEVER CONTROLS YOU”. to be continued..... TO END THIS SERIES, HERE ARE A FEW PRINCIPLES I’VE ADOPTED THAT HAVE MADE MY CONNECTION TO GOD A REALITY.
EVERY TIME I'VE FALLEN, THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED. I SHOULD ACCEPT IT. ONE OF THE REASONS FOR MY DISBELIEF AND LACK OF FAITH IN GOD WAS THAT I NEVER FELT HE LOOKED OUT FOR ME. IN MY CAREER PATH, I FELT HE NEVER OPENED DOORS FOR ME. BUT MY PERSPECTIVE HAS CHANGED. ALTHOUGH DOORS HAVE REMAINED SHUT IN CERTAIN AREAS OF MY LIFE, I NOW SEE WHY. I WAS A MAN DRIVEN BY MY OWN SELFISH AMBITION AND SUPERFICIAL THINGS. HAD GOD GIVEN ME MY HEART’S DESIRE BEFORE MY ACCEPTING HIM INTO MY LIFE, I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE. I SEE NOW THAT GOD WANTED ME TO COME TO HIM SO THAT HE COULD SHOW ME THAT HE WAS ALWAYS THERE WITH ME AND THAT HE ALWAYS WILL BE. I NEEDED TO SEEK A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM SO THAT I COULD TRULY USE MY TALENTS IN THE WAYS HE HAS INTENDED; WITH WISDOM FOR THE BUILDING UP OF OTHERS. THOUGH I HAVE BEEN THROUGH TRIALS AND HAVE FELT LIKE I’VE FAILED BECAUSE I HAVEN’T ACHIEVED SUCCESS IN THE VIEWS OF THE WORLD, IT HAS ALL BEEN IN PREPARATION FOR SOUL WORK. AS DIFFICULT IT IS TO ACCEPT. EVERY LOSS OR MISSTEP IS A BLESSING IF WE CHOOSE TO SEE IT AS SUCH AND WE ARE CALLED TO LEARN AND GROW FROM THEM. IF WE KNOW THAT WITHOUT DARKNESS THERE IS NO LIGHT AND VICE VERSA THEN WE CAN ACCEPT THAT THE HARDEST LESSONS ARE THE ONES THAT MAKE US APPRECIATE OUR GREATEST VICTORIES. THEREFORE, WE NEED TO GO THROUGH THEM. DILIGENCE AND FAITH ONE OF THE OTHER REASONS I SHUNNED FAITH WAS THAT I COULDN’T RELATE TO THE IDEA OF PRAYER AND I REALIZED THAT WHILE AT BIBLE STUDY ONE NIGHT. OUR BROTHER NICK WAS SPEAKING ABOUT THE CHURCH AS A WHOLE AND MENTIONED HOW THERE WAS NO FRUIT IN THE CHURCH WENT ON TO BRIEFLY EXPLAIN WHAT HE MEANT BY SAYING THAT THE CHURCH WASN’T PRODUCING FRUIT. AS I ENTERTAINED THIS IDEA A BIT MORE IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT THERE IS FRUIT IN THE CHURCH BUT THAT IT’S IN THE FORM OF A SEED. SO THAT MADE ME QUESTION; IS THERE REALLY A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN APPLE AND APPLESEED? TO THE NAKED EYE THERE IS. BUT IF WE CONSIDER IT IN A TIMELESS WAY, THERE ISN’T. THE APPLESEED WILL PRODUCE FRUIT IF YOU NURTURE IT AND GIVE IT TIME TO DEVELOP BY PROTECTING IT FROM DAMAGING FORCES. THE WORD IS THE SEED GOD LEFT US WITH. THROUGH PATIENCE AND DILIGENCE, AND FOLLOWING GOD’S COMMANDS, THE FRUITS OF OUR DESIRES WILL COME BUT IT TAKES TIME AND COMMITMENT. WE ASK FOR THINGS IN PRAYER AND EXPECT A QUICK TURNAROUND, BUT FAITH DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK THAT WAY. WHEN WE CONSIDER THAT ALL OF US STRUGGLE WITH A THIRST FOR PEACE, IT’S IMPORTANT TO ASK OURSELVES, “HOW MANY ARE WILLING TO GO TO THE WELL TO GET WATER?” IN TERMS OF FRUIT, HOW MANY OF US ARE PLANTING THE SEEDS AND CULTIVATING THE SEEDLINGS? THIS ISN’T JUST A LESSON THAT APPLIES TO FAITH, IT ALSO APPLIES TO OUR PHYSICAL LIVES. IF WE HAVE FAITH THEN NO TASK SHOULD BE DAUNTING. I’VE BEEN SCARED OF SO MUCH IN MY CAREER CHOICES AS A MUSICIAN. WHEN RELEASING MY FIRST PROJECT, RORSCHACH, I WAS UNCOMFORTABLE. BUT THE THOUGHT OF LIVE PERFORMING LEFT ME PETRIFIED. HAD I PRACTICED THESE LESSONS OF DILIGENCE AND FAITH, I WOULD’VE MOVED PAST THAT FEAR BY NOW INSTEAD OF BEING PARALYZED BY IT. IT’S LIKE LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE, YOU MIGHT START WITH TRAINING WHEELS AND EVENTUALLY YOU PROGRESS ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO. AT FIRST, IT IS SCARY. YOU MIGHT EVEN FALL. BUT IF YOU'RE DILIGENT ENOUGH, YOU WILL RIDE THAT BIKE ON YOUR OWN, EVENTUALLY, IF YOU KEEP PRACTICING, WITH PATIENCE. FAITH WORKS LIKE THAT. WE WANT QUICK RETURNS BUT FAITH TAKES TIME. JUST LIKE LEARNING TO RIDE A BIKE; JUST LIKE A SEED IN NATURE. SEPARATING FAITH AND RELIGION THE BIGGEST DECEPTION I FELL VICTIM TO WAS LUMPING RELIGION AND FAITH TOGETHER. RELIGION IS THE WAY FAITH IS PRACTICED THROUGH THE INTERPRETATION OF MEN. BEING ABLE TO SEPARATE MAN AND GOD HAS BEEN KEY. I BELIEVED RELIGION WAS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL BECAUSE SOME OF THE WORLD’S MAJOR ATROCITIES HAVE OCCURRED DUE TO DIFFERENCES IN RELIGION. RELIGION HAS BEEN AT TIMES, USED AS A TOOL TO SUBJUGATE THE MASSES. THESE ARE REAL ISSUES THAT AFFECT SOCIETY, BUT THEY ARE HUMAN ISSUES CAUSED BY HUMAN EGO, NOT GOD. WE HAVE BEEN ENDOWED WITH FREE WILL, MEANING WE HAVE CHOICES, ALWAYS! WE MUST USE DISCERNMENT WHEN CHOOSING WHAT TO BELIEVE AND WHO TO FOLLOW. MY NEGATIVE EXPERIENCES WITH PEOPLE OF FAITH DIMINISHED MY BELIEF IN GOD. I’VE ALWAYS BEEN CAUTIOUS OF THOSE WHO ARE CONSUMED BY THE WORD. PEOPLE WHO RECITE PASSAGES AT THE DROP OF A DIME BUT DECEIVE THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY DO NOT ACTUALLY APPLY IT. I HAVE SEEN PEOPLE USE THE WORD AS A DEFLECTIVE SHIELD; PORTRAYING THEMSELVES AS HOLY BUT HAVING THEIR ACTIONS EXPOSE A LACK OF INTEGRITY. THERE IS NO VIRTUE IN ACTING RIGHTEOUS ON SUNDAY BUT CONFORMING TO THE WAYS OF THE WORLD MONDAY THROUGH SATURDAY. PEOPLE OF FAITH ARE HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD, WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT. WHEN PEOPLE OF FAITH FALL SHORT, IT’S NOT UP TO US TO JUDGE BUT IT IS IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE HOW DESTRUCTIVE THAT CAN BE. READING THE WORD HAS TAUGHT ME MY TRUST SHOULD BE IN GOD ABOVE ALL ELSE. GOD THOUGH I’VE PROCLAIMED TO BE AN ATHEIST, I HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED FOR ANSWERS TO MY QUESTIONS REGARDING GOD. ONE OF THE IDEAS THAT HAS MOST DISTURBED ME IS THE IDEA THAT GOD RESIDES IN THE HEAVENS. IT NEVER SAT WELL WITH ME. IN MY TWENTIES I CAME ACROSS THE 5% NATION OF ISLAM WHO CLAIM MAN IS GOD. BUT THAT TOO, DIDN’T SIT WELL WITH ME. THE MORE I LOOKED FOR ANSWERS THE MORE I REALIZED THE ANSWER LIES SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE. BUT IF MAN ISN’T GOD AND GOD DOESN’T RESIDE IN THE HEAVENS, WHAT IS THE TRUTH? I’VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT GOD RESIDES ALL AROUND US BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, WITHIN US. I CAME TO THIS REALIZATION IN 2014. IN RESEARCHING TATTOO IDEAS FOR SYMBOLIZING THIS SEARCH, I GOT A TATTOO OF AN ASTRONAUT. THE ASTRONAUT’S FACE IS FILLED WITH A NEBULA AS IS HIS HELMET. THESE SYMBOLIZE THE BELIEF THAT MANY ANSWERS COME FROM WITHIN. I COULDN’T HAVE COME TO TERMS WITH THIS BELIEF WITHOUT LEARNING THE WORD. ALL THIS TIME I’VE NEEDED TO LOOK TO GOD THROUGH PRAYER INSTEAD OF SEEKING VALIDATION FROM PEERS. NOT ONLY HAS GOD HAS BEEN WITH ME ALL MY LIFE; HE IS A PART OF ME. HE IS A PART OF ALL OF US, SHOULD WE ALLOW HIM TO BE. SO, IS GOD REAL? I WOULD LEAVE THAT FOR YOU TO DECIDE WITH AN OPEN HEART. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO THINK ABOUT WHAT REAL ACTUALLY MEANS. IS REAL ONLY TANGIBLE EXPERIENCES WE'VE HAD? I WOULD TEND TO BELIEVE IT IS BOTH. I’VE HEARD PEOPLE SAY THAT GOD IS LOVE AND I THINK IT’S A GOOD ANALOGY TO CONSIDER. THINK ABOUT LOVE. HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN LOVE? ISN’T IT AN EXPERIENCE? FOR ME, THE SAME IS TRUE WITH GOD. GOD IS AN EXPERIENCE OF ABSOLUTE FAITH AND LOVE. GOD IS WHAT CONNECTS US ALL, CREATED US ALL AND LOVES US ALL, YET GOD IS NOT TANGIBLE. GOD IS A PART OF EVERY SINGLE FIBER OF EXISTENCE; WITH US FROM BIRTH TO OUR LAST BREATH, CONTINUALLY WATCHING OVER US, AND WALKING BESIDE US; ALWAYS PROVIDING OPPORTUNITIES AND BLESSINGS THAT WE DON’T ALWAYS SEE OR APPRECIATE. I CANNOT PRETEND TO EXPLAIN WHY WE LOSE LOVED ONES OR TRAGEDIES OCCUR. SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE, THOSE ARE THE MOMENTS WHEN WE ARE MOST VULNERABLE AND TEMPTED TO BECOME HOPELESS AND FAITHLESS. BUT NOW I KNOW THAT EVERY BAD EXPERIENCE IS PREPARING US FOR SOMETHING DOWN THE LINE. I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS TO SUM UP MY JOURNEY FROM A NON-BELIEVER TO A PERSON OF FAITH: FAITH IN GOD, THROUGH TRUST IN THE WORD AND WORSHIPPING IN SPIRIT AND TRUTH, IS AN EXPERIENCE THAT IS TOO VAST AND BEAUTIFUL TO DESCRIBE. IT IS LIKE PASSIONATELY SPEAKING OF THE BEAUTY OF A ROSE: YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THE ESSENCE OF THAT BEAUTY UNTIL YOU HAVE ONE IN YOUR PRESENCE AND ARE ABLE TO TOUCH IT PETALS, SMELL IT'S AROMA AND SEE THE DETAIL OF ITS COLOR AND TEXTURE. THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND THE BEAUTY OF A ROSE; WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF. YOU CAN BE DECEIVED BY A SYNTHETIC ROSE IF YOU DON'T OR HAVEN’T EXPERIENCED THE REAL THING. PLASTIC ROSES ARE INTENTIONALLY CREATED TO REPLACE THE LOOK OF A REAL ONE BUT WE CANNOT DENY THE LIFE OF THE REAL THING BECAUSE THE SYNTHETIC ONE IS MISSING THE SCENT, THE SOFTNESS OF LIFE BREATHING THROUGH IT PETALS. THE COLOR AND TEXTURE COULD NEVER COMPARE TO A REAL ROSE. DO NOT BE CONFUSED, DO NOT BE MISLED. YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE WHEN IT COMES TO FINDING THE TRUTH. SEEK AND YOU WILL FIND. I RECENTLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A PERSON OF STRONG FAITH AND HE WAS TELLING ME ABOUT A CO-WORKER OF HIS WHO IS A NON-BELIEVER. HE WAS TELLING ME THAT HE IS WASN’T SURE HOW TO SPEAK TO HIS CO-WORKER ABOUT FAITH EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ON HIS HEART TO DO SO. HE TOLD ME THAT EVERY TIME THE TOPIC CAME UP, HIS CO-WORKER WOULD DISMISS HIM. HIS RESPONSE, LIKE MANY NON-BELIEVERS, IS ALWAYS THAT THE PROOF OF GOD’S NONEXISTENCE IS IN THE FACT THAT BABIES DIE, TRAGEDIES HAPPEN, AND WE ALL GO THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES. IT SEEMED TO ME THAT HIS CO-WORKER BELIEVES GOD ISN'T THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDS HIM SO, THEREFORE, HE CAN’T POSSIBLY EXIST. AND THIS CAUSED THAT OLD QUESTION TO POP BACK INTO MY MIND:
IS GOD REAL? THIS IS AN AGE OLD QUESTION THAT HAS BEEN DISSECTED AND DEBATED BY PHILOSOPHERS, THEOLOGIANS, BELIEVERS AND NON-BELIEVERS ALIKE; BOTH SIDES, AT TIMES, PRESENTING VALID ARGUMENTS. ON THE ONE HAND, A PHILOSOPHER MIGHT SAY, “WHY NOT QUESTION VALIDITY?” TO WHICH A PERSON OF FAITH MIGHT ANSWER, “IT IS WRITTEN.” A NON-BELIEVER MIGHT ARGUE, “WHY DOES TRAGEDY OCCUR?” TO WHICH A BELIEVER MIGHT ANSWER, “TRIALS ARE OFTENTIMES BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE, LESSONS TO BE LEARNED FROM.” SO ON AND SO FORTH. THESE TYPES OF DEBATES CAN SOMETIMES BE UNCOMFORTABLE BUT THEY CAN ALSO LEAD TO QUESTIONING UNEXAMINED BELIEFS. AND EXPLORING WHAT ONE BELIEVES IN IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE OUR INNER TRUTHS WILL REVEAL THEMSELVES THROUGH THIS DIALOGUE. IT IS FAR BETTER TO SEEK THOSE REVELATIONS PROACTIVELY THAN TO BECOME VICTIMS OF THEM IN SOME WAY. IN WRITING THIS PIECE I FIND MYSELF FORCED TO EXAMINE MY VIEWS AND EXPLORE HOW MY BACKGROUND, UPBRINGING & EXPERIENCES INFLUENCED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. I AM SHARING IT IN THE HOPE THAT IT HELPS YOU DO THE SAME. MY JOURNEY: IT’S AMAZING TO ME HOW MUCH MY VIEWS HAVE CHANGED. I REALIZE NOW THAT, THOUGH I DIDN’T CONSCIOUSLY BELIEVE IN GOD AND AT TIMES EVEN DENOUNCED HIS NAME, HE WAS ALWAYS WITH ME. ALWAYS. IN 2011 I MET A WOMAN ON A DATING SITE.HER PROFILE HAD NO CLEAR PICTURE; JUST A BLURRY PHOTO OF A GIRL WITH WILD HAIR AND ANOTHER ONE OF HER REFLECTION. HER PROFILE STATED SHE WAS LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THAT WAS INTO SUNDAYS THAT CONSISTED OF CHURCH, BRUNCH, AND THE MOVIES WITH FOOTBALL SEASON BEING NEGOTIABLE. I WAS INTRIGUED. AT THE TIME, I WAS STILL HEAVILY DRINKING AND MEETING RANDOM WOMEN. A PART OF ME KNEW THIS WASN’T THE LIFESTYLE FOR ME AND I WASN’T INTO CHURCH BUT DECIDED TO CONNECT WITH HER ANYWAY. WE HIT IT OFF BUT FAITH WAS ALWAYS A STICKING POINT. SHE WAS IN A CONSTANT SEARCH OF CULTIVATING HER CONNECTION TO GOD AND I WASN’T REALLY INTO THAT. THE TIMES WHEN FAITH COULD’VE COME BETWEEN US, SHE HELD FIRM TO HER FAITH BUT STILL HELD ON TO US- DESPITE MY SOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD GOD. SHE REMAINED OPTIMISTIC THAT I WOULD ALLOW GOD TO REACH ME ONE DAY. FAST FORWARD TO 2016, SHE INVITED ME ON A SURPRISE DATE. IT WAS A TUESDAY (THE DAY SHE USUALLY ATTENDED BIBLE STUDY) AND WE ENDED UP IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK. I ASK HER WHAT WE WERE DOING THERE AND SHE WAS SAID, “SURPRISE! WE’RE GOING TO BIBLE STUDY!!!” I WAS SO STUBBORN ABOUT IT THAT I WALKED HER TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE BUILDING, DROPPED HER OFF AND WENT ON MY HOME. TWO WEEKS WENT BY AND I HAD TO MAKE GOOD ON A PROMISE THAT I WOULD TAKE HER TO CHURCH. BECAUSE I HAD GONE OUT DRINKING THE NIGHT BEFORE I WAS HUNGOVER SO I LET HER DOWN. I FELT BAD BECAUSE I HAD BROKEN A PROMISE TO HER AND SHE DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SO, I THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT SOLUTION: I WOULD GO WITH HER TO BIBLE STUDY. THE TRUTH IS, I HAD ULTERIOR MOTIVES FOR ATTENDING. I WANTED TO GO TO DEBUNK THE MYTHS SHE WAS HEARING THERE. THE IRONY OF IT ALL WAS THAT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS. WE ATTENDED THAT TUESDAY AND I’VE BEEN GOING EVER SINCE. I AM A PERSON THAT ALWAYS SEEKS TRUTH. I WAS EXPECTING TO FIND INDOCTRINATION AT THE BIBLE STUDY BUT, INSTEAD, I FOUND TRUTHS I COULD TRUST. THE WORDS OF THE BIBLE AND THE CHARACTER OF GOD WERE EXPLAINED TO ME IN WAYS I HAD NEVER CONSIDERED BEFORE. MY WAYS OF THINKING, MY PHILOSOPHIES ON LIFE; I RECOGNIZED THEY WERE ALL IN THE WORD. MY WHOLE LIFE I BELIEVED THESE WERE INNATE BELIEFS AND INTUITION, BUT GOD SHOWED ME HE RESIDED WITHIN ME THE WHOLE TIME. JESSICA, THE WOMAN I MET AND NOW MY WIFE, ALWAYS RECOGNIZED THIS. MY MOTHER KNEW IT. MY SISTER DID, TOO. MEETING AND LISTENING TO PEOPLE SPEAK ABOUT THEIR UNQUESTIONED LOVE FOR GODMADE WONDER IF I WAS MISSING SOMETHING. AND I SOON REALIZED THAT I WAS. TO BE CONTINUED.... I’LL ADMIT, I CONSIDERED MYSELF AN ATHEIST FOR THE MAJORITY OF MY LIFE. ALTHOUGH SPIRITUALITY AND FAITH IS A PART OF MY FAMILY’S LIFESTYLE, GOD WASN’T REAL TO ME FOR A VERY LONG TIME.
WHEN I WAS FOUR OR FIVE, I ATTENDED CATHOLIC CHURCH WITH MY GRANDMOTHER ON OCCASION. I REMEMBER THINKING HOW STRANGE IT WAS. IN RETROSPECT, IT FELT LIKE A CULT BECAUSE OF THE HYMNS, WHICH SOUNDED LIKE CHANTING TO ME, AND THE AMBIANCE OF THE SPACE. ASIDE FROM THAT, I ALWAYS FELT OUT OF PLACE. THE MOSAICS & STATUES REALLY SPOOKED ME. ON A DIFFERENT OCCASION, I REMEMBER BEING TAKEN TO A BAPTIST CHURCH. I REMEMBER IT WAS A NIGHT CELEBRATION AND THOUGH I STILL DIDN’T FEEL AT HOME, IT WAS DIFFERENT. THE IMPRESSION IT LEFT ON ME WAS NEUTRAL; NEITHER GOOD NOR BAD. WHEN I WAS AROUND SIX OR SEVEN I WAS INTRODUCED TO JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES THROUGH A NEIGHBOR IN THE BUILDING AND I STUDIED THE BIBLE WITH THEM. EVEN AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE, WHERE I WAS PROBABLY EASILY INFLUENCED AND MORE OPEN THAN IN MY LATER LIFE, THEIR PRACTICES NEVER FELT NATURAL TO ME AND I WAS SKEPTICAL OF THEM. EVENTUALLY, THEY ASKED ME IF I WAS READY TO BE BAPTIZED. I FOUND IT STRANGE THEY HAD ASKED ME DIRECTLY WITHOUT CONSULTING MY MOTHER. I DISCONTINUED MY STUDIES WITH THEM. OTHER EXPERIENCES WITH SPIRITUALITY CAME IN LESS TRADITIONAL WAYS. I REMEMBER ACCOMPANYING MY AUNT AND MOTHER TO SEE “SPIRITUAL GUIDES” AND THOSE VISITS FELT OTHER WORLDY. THERE WOULD BE FIRE BREATHING WITH THE “GUIDES” GETTING POSSESSED WITH SPIRITS. I COULD SENSE WE (MY FAMILY) WERE SEEKING ANSWERS BUT I DON’T RECALL EVER FEELING LIKE WE RECEIVED ANY. “GOD DOESN’T EXIST,” IS THE CONCLUSION I CAME TO AROUND THE AGE OF 8. WHY WOULD HE OR RATHER HOW COULD HE BE REAL? HE NEVER ANSWERED ANY OF MY PRAYERS. WHERE WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM? EVERY TIME I WAS SCARED, FELT ALONE AND LOST HE WAS NEVER THERE. BECAUSE OF MY FAMILIAL DYNAMICS, I SAW MYSELF AS A LITTLE BOY LEFT TO FEND FOR HIMSELF. HOW CAN GOD BE THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS AND ABANDON HIS CHILDREN? MY PHYSICAL FATHER DID THAT. AND I WAS TAUGHT, THROUGH MY CIRCUMSTANCES, THAT MY FATHER DIDN’T CARE FOR ME. IT FELT OUTRAGEOUS TO THINK THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE IN AN OMNIPRESENT SPIRITUAL BEING WHO LIVES IN THE CLOUDS. WITH ALL THE WRONG THAT HAPPENS IN THE WORLD, HOW CAN HE SIT IDLY BY? RELIGION TEACHES US TO THANK GOD FOR ALL OUR BLESSINGS. ALL THE GOOD THAT HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES IS BECAUSE OF HIM. THAT NOTION REALLY MADE ME ANGRY. I DECIDED TO BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING I ACCOMPLISHED I DID ON MY OWN. AND THAT ANYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENED TO ME OR ANYTHING THAT DIDN’T GO THE WAY I HAD HOPES, WAS PROOF THERE WAS NO GOD. AND THESE EMOTIONS REMAINED FIRMLY ROOTED IN ME FROM ADOLESCENCE INTO ADULTHOOD. ANGRY, HURT CONFUSED AND FULL OF QUESTIONS. IF EVER I CONSIDERED GOD ACTUALLY EXISTING, I JUDGED HIM. IF THIS WAS HOW GOD BEHAVED THEN I WANTED NO PARTS OF HIM. BEING A WOUNDED AND ANGRY PERSON LED ME TO LIVE AN UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE. ALCOHOL PLAYED A MAJOR ROLE IN NUMBING THE PAIN I FELT. I BECAME A WEEKEND WARRIOR, DRINKING TO OBLIVION AND NOT CARING MUCH ABOUT THE RESULTS OR HOW IT AFFECTED THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. MY MOTHER WOULD PRAY FOR ME EVERY NIGHT I WENT OUT WHICH I BEGRUDGINGLY I ACCEPTED, ALONG WITH A BLESSING. I KNEW IT MADE HER FEEL BETTER SO I WOULDN’T FIGHT HER ON IT, DESPITE MY PERSONAL VIEWS. I DIDN’T THINK MUCH OF IT WHEN I MADE IT HOME SAFELY EVERY NIGHT, EVEN THE NIGHT I ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL FROM PASSING OUT IN THE STREET. THERE WERE MANY TIMES THINGS COULD HAVE HAPPENED IN A WAY THAT LEFT LASTING CONSEQUENCES, EVEN DEATH. BUT IT NEVER CAME TO THAT. I NEVER ATTRIBUTED MY SAFETY TO GOD OR MY MOTHER’S PRAYERS OVER ME. BUT I DO REMEMBER DMX’S SONG “THE CONVO” BEING A FAVORITE, MUCH TO MY SURPRISE. AND I REMEMBER THE LYRICS FROM GOD’S PERSPECTIVE: "AND WHEN YOU SHINE IT'S GON' BE A SIGHT TO BEHOLD. SO DON'T FIGHT TO BE OLD, OR LOSE SIGHT WHEN IT'S COLD SEE THAT LIGHT DOWN THE ROAD, IT'S GOIN' GUIDE YOU THERE TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS, I WAS RIGHT BESIDE YOU THERE." FOR A LONG TIME I DIDN’T KNOW WHY I LIKED THE SONG SO MUCH. IT DIDN’T MAKE SENSE, GIVEN MY EMOTIONS TOWARD GOD. WHY DID I CONNECT WITH THESE LYRICS WHEN HE WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN? To be continued.... Becoming more in tune with spirituality and faith has made a lot of things clearer for me. For the most part growing up as children, we are taught about spiritual beings as if they are invisible and move in silence. They walk with us, but we are not aware of their presence. They are to be called upon in our times of need and respond when we need protection. Though these spiritual beings “appear” or have “appeared” to some, THERE is no way of accurately depicting what they look like or even if they truly exist. I'm speaking specifically about angels.
I Googled the term angels and this is what I found. According to wikipedia: “used figuratively to refer to messengers and harbingers, and to people who possess high qualities of goodness, purity, selflessness, intelligence or beauty. Angels are referred to in connection with their spiritual mission.” Though this is a secular definition, is pretty spot on. There is one word that stood out for me from this and that is people. We’ve been taught to believe that angels are spirit beings, that reside in the heavens. Taking a glance at the mosaics, statues and paintings of angels, we see them as glorious humans with wings. I’ve always felt those artistic representations are flawed. They come from human minds trying to interpret these spiritual beings and only being capable of relating them to our own fleshly appearance. I do admit I am no expert on angels. These depictions might be true. I just want to challenge you. Take a moment and think horizontally. Look around you and those in your life. I believe certain people in our lives are angels among us. In no way am I saying angels aren’t spiritual beings. Both co-exist at the same time. I actually do believe there are spirits all around us, good and bad. Light forms of energy. In a scientific sense, we are all made up of stardust and eventually after our physical bodies have died, what is left is our spirit. But, I also do believe at times people get caught up in the mystical sense of spirituality and we fail to see what’s in front of us. It is entirely possible that we have spiritual and physical guides or angels assigned to us. they help us overcome our toughest situations, our darkest moments. Have you ever had a random stranger start up a conversation with you on the street and give you words of encouragement? Were you that person who took a second to speak to someone? I cannot tell you the number of times random strangers have stopped me in the street to speak to me about faith and spirituality. Not random spiel but directly speaking to me, at times in my life when I have been lost and lacked faith. There is one instance in particular that stands out. Vivid as if it had happened yesterday. I had recently moved to Brooklyn and I was walking my dog. As I approach the corner a car slows down and the driver, an older Italian man starts speaking out of his window. I didn’t know this man so I just went about my business of dog walking. He continues to yell in my direction so I finally acknowledge him. He asks me “hey, do you know JC?” I thought he said Jay-Z so I said no I didn’t. He corrected me and said “No, JC.” Again I replied “I don’t know any JC”. The third time he said “JC man, you know him Jesus Christ”. At that point I was ready to tune him out, but I didn’t react. He proceeded to speak about God and how I need to reach out to him. His insistence on me attending church and building a relationship with Jesus & God was confusing to me. Where was this coming from. I am an atheist, I was thinking. Two random people one walking in the street, the other driving. He proceeded to invite me to his church. As he pulled away, my heart stopped. I am a music producer and I sample a lot of older records. I once created a beat titled “PowerFul Music”. My heart stopped because as he drove off he blasted at full throttle, the original song which I had sampled on “Powerful Music”. I couldn’t believe it. Confirmation. Was that person an angel, probably not but it is entirely possibly that our spiritual angels played a part in that exchange. Though random moments like the one I just shared have happened frequently to me and I am sure to others as well, there are events in our lives that occur or don’t because of the angels right in front of us. I want to share three people who I believe are 2 different types of angels that have been hidden in plain sight in my life: The Guardians and The Guide. The Guardians: You’ve sacrificed more than anyone could imagine, for those that don’t even know it. For the ones who turned their backs on you. The ones who threatened to take your children away. You protected them. The sacrifices you’ve made for the ones who’ve made you feel less than. But you are more than. Stronger than I knew. The world had me believe you were weak but God has shown me the strength you possess. The strength that helped you raised two children in a cold and lonely world. The choices you made were not for me to question or even understand, but I now see you for what you really are, a Guardian Angel. You made the scarification and placed the burden of our family’s survival on your shoulders. My guardian angel never lived in the clouds, she always was and always has been right next to me. You are my scab. The wounds that have afflicted me for so long are starting to heal in large because of your protection. We have endured so much hardship and struggle throughout our lives, without understanding or reasoning. You took on the bulk of that, which has caused various wounds for you. Part of your purpose I believe, was to protect me and make sure I would eventually find my purpose. It is time I do the same for you. Part of my purpose is to lighten your burden and allow you to heal. I see you for what you really are, my Guardian Angel. The Guide: Since the day we met you saw in light in me. The times when I was ready to lay down, you raised up. Consistently shining a beacon of hope that I am the person I think I am. Showing me with love how to tap into that potential. Keeping your faith. You believed I would shed the chains of fear, self loathing and abandonment. That the demons I’ve battled are not stronger than me. You showed me a mirror to look into. You held firm to the belief that I somehow had the holy spirit in me, I just needed to believe. You sacrificed your sanity at times in order to show me what a relationship with myself & God would bring. My guide in the dark. To quote OV Wright’s “Mirror of My Soul”: “When I thought it was end, You made me fight and you helped me to win When I, When I was in doubt, You showed me what faith was all about.” Like the three people I described above, there are people in your lives who exhibit similar traits and have made sacrifices for you. Acknowledge them. See them for what they truly are, the angels among us. “Real friends, how many of us?
How many of us, how many jealous? Real friends It’s not many of us, we smile at each other But how many honest? Trust issues” Real Friends - Kanye West This wasn't the topic I was going to write about this week, but it’s been weighing heavily on me. Not just recently, but practically all of my life. Discussing marriage and making lists of people we would like to invite, I felt disconnected. I was naming people who I’ve become distant from and questions came up. What changed? Why have I, or we rather, become so distant? Had I turned my back on them? The easy answer would be that I got into a relationship and moved but it’s deeper than that. I thought about the of relationships that I consider friendships in my life and felt the voids. I started to really think about, and confront, the emptiness that I had ignored. So, what is a friend? Is a friend someone you’ve known for a long time? Someone who you’ve shared experiences and created memories with? Is a friend someone who has your back and is vested in seeing you progress? Someone who defends you when you’re not in the room? Someone who loves you? I think all of these characteristics can be included in defining friendship. More so, when I think about friendship one word comes to mind: intimacy. Intimacy should be at the crux of every relationship, from paternal to familial to spiritual. Having a true relationship with anyone is about being open and honest. Being able to share your deepest fears and darkest secrets without the fear of judgement or ridicule. This is something I’ve learned recently, through reading the Word. I had to ask myself; which of my friends am I emotionally intimate with? Sadly, not many. I saw an article recently that someone posted on social media that stated a large portion of your friends don’t really like you. Wow. Have we come to a place where we just accept companionship from anyone? If the point this article was making has any type of validity, how can you have intimacy with people who don’t like you? My response to this post was that those people who you consider friends and don’t like you, aren’t your real friends. The term is used too loosely. A person who doesn’t like you will not have your best interest at heart. They will judge and ridicule you. They don’t love you. Are most of us walking around fooling ourselves believing the people in our lives are true friends? I started to believe so. Fairly or not this is my testimony, so it’s written from my perspective. There are two sides to every equation so let me explain mine. I’ve never had an intimate relationship with anyone until the more recent present. The first relationship I’ve been able to mend is with myself. Being open and honest with myself has come from seeking a relationship the Creator. I needed to find truth and peace. Prayer has allowed me to confront the issues that laid dormant in my subconscious. I realized why I hadn’t been capable of intimacy and being a friend. The Word taught me to acknowledge my shortcomings and value the need to address them. I started listening to God and his Word and becoming a friend to myself. I’m now starting to love myself. Now starting to appreciate the man I see in the mirror. I am learning the differences between pride and dignity. Through this phase of self awareness I also came to ask myself these two questions: How could I expect something that I truly never gave? How much of a real friend am I? I am not a very good friend. Life dealt me a hand where intimacy isn’t easy. My spirit had been broken and beaten since adolescence. Being bullied, called names and made to feel less than, destroyed my ability to open. This was being perpetrated by people around me who were supposed to protect and nurture me. So was trust truly ever an option? This pattern skewed my views on friendship. I allowed friends to ridicule me. I allowed friends to make me feel less than. I was ok with self deprecation at the expense of my dignity. I was lying to myself thinking this was ok. This is what friends do. I’ve lived with this lie all of my life for the sake of not being alone. Just wanting to be liked. But this is not friendship. friends build each other up. It is written all throughout the book of Proverbs: 17:17 “A friend is loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.” 18:24 “There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” 27:9 “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense” I thought I had these kinds of relationships. Maybe I do, but I don’t feel it. Conversation, interest and support is mutual. It's a two way street. If you bump into a friend you haven't seen in a while and they say "hey how you been, you never call" and your response is “you haven’t called me either” then we are both deflecting. Why is there that deflection of honesty? Aren’t we friends? I don’t feel the love and support that comes from friendship. It makes me question whether or not these relationship were friendships. I think of the multiple experiences I’ve had where the results weren’t what you would expect from a friend. If I were to introduce you to a woman I am dating, would you build be up or tear me down in her presence? If I play you some new music I am planning on releasing, would you tell me it isn’t the best you’ve ever heard? If I hadn’t come around in a while, would you say it was better that way because I was different? If I wasn’t in the room, would you defend me when someone tried to ridicule me or join in? Even with the inability to be intimate, I know how I would’ve handle those situations. These experiences led me to believe isolation was the answer. Why would I want to be around anyone I didn’t trust? I thought I would enjoy isolation. I thought being alone or all in one would bring me peace. It hasn’t. I feel a need to share my life with others but the love and intimacy has to be reciprocal. I now know what friendship should look like. I’ve started the process of allowing myself to be vulnerable and honest. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve met some great people the last 2-3 years that are actually interested in me as a friend. People who check in on me and seem vested in my personal grow. My initial reaction has been to shun them. It is hard to accept the idea that someone likes me. That I’m lovable. The good news is that perception of myself is fading. This piece is part of my apology tour. I want to mend the broken relationships I’ve had, that’s if they were there in the first place. Writing and sharing this is a measuring stick. I truly feel if you consider me your friend, then you would read my posts. You show interest in getting to know me, on a deeper level. I’ve created great memories with a lot of good people, but most know me as the drinking/partying type. This is me beneath the surface. Get to know me. I’m not perfect, I am flawed. Like I mentioned before I know I have not been a good friend. I’ve acknowledged this. This is my way of opening up and healing. Sharing this testimony so that you can understand my perspective. My hope is that this will open up the door to honesty. Real friendship. "WE BUY ALOT OF CLOTHES
BUT WE DON'T REALLY NEED 'EM THINGS WE BUY TO COVER UP WHAT'S INSIDE. CAUSE THEY MADE US HATE OURSELF, AND LOVE THEY WEALTH" -KANYE WEST WHEN YOU THINK OF SUCCESS OR SOMEONE WHO IS CONSIDERED SUCCESSFUL, WHAT ARE SOME OF THE FIRST THINGS THAT COME TO MIND? COLLEGE EDUCATION? PURSING A CAREER IN LAW, FINANCE OR MEDICINE? SIX FIGURE INCOME? OWNING A HOME? THESE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT USED TO COME TO MY MIND FROM THE PREDISPOSED PROGRAMMING OF WHAT SUCCESS LOOKS LIKE TO SOCIETY. YES, ATTAINING THESE AFOREMENTIONED OBJECTIVES COULD BE CONSIDERED SUCCESS, BUT THEY DO NOT DEFINE IT. THE CHANCE TO EARN A COLLEGE EDUCATION & PURSUE A CAREER WHERE MAKING A SIX FIGURE INCOME AND OWNING A HOME IS A POSSIBILITY COMES FROM OPPORTUNITY. WE ARE LED TO BELIEVE WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE EVERYONE IS AFFORDED THE SAME OPPORTUNITIES AND THAT IS SIMPLY NOT THE CASE. SO, WHAT HAPPENS TO INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE NOT AFFORDED THE OPPORTUNITY TO EARN & ACHIEVE THE PREDISPOSED DEFINITION OF SUCCESS? THOUGH THEY MIGHT NOT BE AWARE OF IT, THEY ALLOW SOCIETY TO SET THE PARAMETERS AND SUBSCRIBE TO THE SAME BELIEFS REGARDING SUCCESS. THE PROBLEM WITH THIS IS THAT IT IS COSTLY TO THEM, IN TERMS OF DIGNITY, BECAUSE THEY MAY FIND THAT THEY LIVE IN A WORLD DEFINED BY PERCEPTION INSTEAD OF ACTUAL PROGRESS. HOW MANY PEOPLE STAND ON LINE TO PURCHASE $200 JORDANS? HOW MANY PEOPLE STAND ON LINE TO BUY AN $800 IPHONE? HOW MANY PEOPLE LIVE IN PUBLIC HOUSING BUT WEAR GUCCI? WE AS A CULTURE, NEED TO RE-PROGRAM OUR WAY OF THINKING IF WE INTEND TO BREAK THE CHAINS OF GENERATIONAL CURSES AND PROGRESS AS A PEOPLE. IT'S IMPORTANT TO FIND VALUE IN EXPERIENCES RATHER THAN POSSESSIONS & CREATE A BALANCE THAT HELPS US MATURE; PLACING IMPORTANCE ON PROGRESS, NOT CONSUMPTION. BECAUSE, IN CONTRAST TO WHAT WE HAVE ALL DEEMED "IMPORTANT" WE FIND OURSELVES IN THE DARK ABOUT THE THINGS WE NEED. THINGS THAT TRULY ARE IMPORTANT; THE KEYS TO OUR FREEDOM. WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS ABOVE. BUT CAN WE TAKE A GUESS AT HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW WHO THEIR LOCAL CONGRESSPERSON IS OR HOW TO APPLY FOR SCHOOL GRANTS? BY ALLOWING OTHERS TO SET THE STANDARD OF SUCCESS, WE FIGHT AN UPHILL BATTLE THAT WE CANNOT WIN. KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES'S, THAT TERM SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM OUR EXPERIENCE, SUBCONSCIOUS AND MOTIVATION. WE NEED TO STOP LOOKING TO THE NEXT MAN AND LOOKING TO GOD. IT'S NO COINCIDENCE THAT GOD FORBIDS, IN HIS WORD, COVETING OUR NEIGHBORS POSSESSIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS. I STARTED THIS PIECE BY USING A KANYE WEST LINE FROM "ALL FALLS DOWN" WHERE HE RAPS: "THINGS WE BUY TO COVER UP WHAT'S INSIDE" WE NEED TO START ASKING OURSELVES, WHAT IS THE UNDERLYING ISSUE? WHY WE ARE PLACING IMPORTANCE ON THE MATERIAL & SUPERFICIAL RATHER THAN ON ACTUAL SUCCESS & PROGRESS? I BELIEVE, AS I SPOKE ABOUT IN PERCEIVED VALUE, IT IS THE LACK OF SELF WORTH. WE LOOK TO DRESS UP OUR WOUNDS WITH NICE CLOTHING AND THE RIGHT LOGOS; SPENDING RIDICULOUS AMOUNTS OF MONEY SO THAT WE CAN BE LOOKED AT AS SOMEONE WHO IS SUCCESSFUL. BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF OPPORTUNITY WE LOOK TO BUY OUR PERCEIVED STATUS INSTEAD OF WORKING FOR IT. AGAIN, PERCEPTION IS DECEPTION. THE THINGS WE BUY SHOULD NOT DEFINE SUCCESS, OUR ACTIONS SHOULD. THINK ABOUT IT: WHO IS THE SUCCESS; MICHAEL JORDAN OR THE PERSON WHO JUST PAID $200 FOR MICHAEL JORDAN SNEAKERS? I KNOW OF A CUSTOMER SERVICE REP WHO DRIVES A BMW WHILE HIS DIRECTOR, WHO MAKES SIX FIGURES DRIVES A "LESSER" CAR. DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? I'LL ADMIT, I AM GUILTY OF THIS. I LIKE JORDAN SNEAKERS AND HAVE SPENT MORE MONEY ON THEM THAN I CARE TO ADMIT. BUT IN LEARNING THE WORD AND CONSIDERING MY DECISIONS AND THE FRUIT OF THEM, I'VE DECIDED THAT MATERIAL THINGS DON'T DEFINE ME OR MY SUCCESS. AND NEITHER DOES SOCIETY. I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ON THE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM: BOUND BY MY IDEAS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION OF ME AND THE SOCIETAL NORMS THAT AFFLICT PEOPLE THAT LIVE A LESS THAN PRIVILEGED EXISTENCE. SOMEONE WHO MAY BE MAKING A 6-FIGURE INCOME, HAS A COLLEGE EDUCATION AND ALL THE QUALITIES SUCCESS IS "DEFINED" AS BUT THEY HATE THEIR DAY-TO-DAY, THEY HATE THEIR JOB AND ARE MISERABLE BECAUSE THEY FELT AND SUCCUMBED TO THE PRESSURES SOCIETY PLACES ON US. THAT PERSON COULD BE A LAWYER WHO REALLY WANTED TO BE A CHEF BUT THEIR PARENTS CONVINCED THEM THAT COOKING WASN'T A WAY TO MAKE A LIVING. MAYBE THEY WERE ADVISED NOT TO THINK ABOUT HAPPINESS BECAUSE HAPPINESS DOESN'T PAY THE BILLS. BECAUSE HAPPINESS YOU KNOW, ISN'T THAT IMPORTANT. I GOT TO EXPERIENCE THIS NARRATIVE FIRST HAND WHEN IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE BEHIND MY CORPORATE LIFE. I GOT ENGAGED AND WAS LAID OFF TWO MONTHS LATER DUE TO THE RESTRUCTURING OF THE DEPARTMENT I WAS A PART OF. THEY GAVE ME THE OPTION OF APPLYING FOR A NEW POSITION AND PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEED ME BEING REHIRED. I FOUND MYSELF AT A FORK IN THE ROAD AND I MADE THE DECISION TO PURSUE MY CREATIVE ENDEAVORS INSTEAD OF STAYING IN THE MATRIX. BECAUSE I WAS "MOVING UP" THE CORPORATE LADDER, MY COWORKERS DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I DECIDED TO MOVE ON. THEY TRIED TO PLANT SEEDS OF DOUBT BY BRINGING UP THE FACT THAT I HAD RECENTLY GOTTEN ENGAGED, AS IF THAT WAS A REASON TO STAY. STAYING LOOKED LIKE THE PRUDENT MOVE BUT IT DENIED ME THE ABILITY TO WALK IN MY PURPOSE AND DO WHAT'S IN MY HEART TO DO. BY DEFAULT, THAT MEANS IT DENIED ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO LIVE UP TO MY DEFINITION OF SUCCESS. SO, WHAT IS SUCCESS? THAT IS A TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE I JUST ENCOURAGED YOU TO DEFINE IT. THE ANSWER IS DIFFERENT FOR ALL OF US WHEN WE CONSIDER IT FROM OUR INNERMOST TRUTH. FOR ME, IT MEANS LIVING A LIFE THAT IS FULL OF JOY & FREEDOM; JOY FROM HAVING THE FREEDOM TO WALK IN MY PURPOSE. IT'S TAKEN ME 15 YEARS TO COME TO THIS REALIZATION BECAUSE I LIVED IN A TRAP OF SET BY SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS AND STANDARDS. I HAD ALLOWED OTHERS TO DEFINE WHAT MY SUCCESS SHOULD LOOK LIKE AND LIVED ASHAMED OF MYSELF; FEELING GUILTY AND INFERIOR BECAUSE I WASN'T WHO, OR WHERE, OTHERS THOUGHT I SHOULD BE. BUT ONCE I MADE THE DECISION OF EMBRACING MY TRUTH AND ALLOWING THAT TO BE A BEACON OF INTEGRITY IN MY LIFE, I WAS FREED. I'M IN MY THIRTIES, DON'T HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE, DON'T HAVE SIX FIGURE INCOME, AND I DON'T OWN A HOME. I HAVE FAILED MORE TIMES THAN I'VE SUCCEEDED. I AM A STRUGGLING ARTIST COMMITTED TO A VISION. HOW CAN I BE CONSIDERED SUCCESSFUL? HERE'S HOW: THE ONLY OPINION THAT TRULY MATTERS IS THE ONE GOD AND I AGREE TO. AND I BELIEVE, FEEL AND EMBRACE THE FACT THAT I AM SUCCESSFUL. I STOPPED SEEKING VALIDATION FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT VESTED IN MY VICTORY. I STARTED TO DEFINE WHAT HAPPINESS MEANT TO ME; WHAT FREEDOM LOOKS LIKE FOR ME; AND BECAUSE OF THAT I AM SUCCESSFUL. I PREVIOUSLY WROTE ABOUT HOW THERE IS SUCCESS IN FAILURE AS LONG AS YOU KEEP MOVING FORWARD, AND THAT IS WHAT I HAVE DONE AND CONTINUE DOING. I LET GOD DEFINE WHAT MY PURPOSE IS AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO FOLLOW HIS LEAD. MONETARY GAIN AND ABUNDANCE COMES FROM DILIGENCE IN THE WORK OF YOUR HEART. I HAVE FOUND THAT WRITING MY THOUGHTS, SHARING MY MUSIC AND ASPIRING TO INSPIRE; THEREIN LIVES MY SUCCESS. SUCCESS SHOULD BE LOOKED AT AND CONSIDERED RELATIVE TO THE INDIVIDUAL DEFINING IT. THAT MEANS YOU. YOU HAVE TO DIG DEEP AND FIND OUT WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE. THOUGH THAT IDEA MIGHT SEEM SCARY, HAVE FAITH AND BE DILIGENT. IT IS IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS REMEMBER: YOU SHOULD DEFINE WHAT SUCCESS IS AND NOT LET SOCIETY SET THE PARAMETERS. Is WHAT WE PERCEIVE REAL? DOES IT MATTER? IS IT MORE IMPORTANT HOW OTHERS SEE US OR ACTUALLY LIVING IN ONES TRUTH? IT IS A LOADED AND MULTI-LAYERED QUESTION I'VE CONTEMPLATED, DISCUSSED AND ARGUED ABOUT OVER THE YEARS. I'VE ALWAYS COME TO THE SAME CONCLUSION: THOSE CONSUMED WITH PERCEPTION ARE NOT CONCERNED WITH THE TRUTH.
over the years i've had conversations with a friend who is an ENTREPRENEUR. he would tell me about meetings with business associates who are affluent. one thing that stood out about these stories was the fact that my frienD felt the need, to portray himself as affluent as the person he might be sitting across from at that moment. from the car he arrived in, to the suits he wore to the wine ordered at dinner, it was important for him to be seen as an equal. it was strategic. he would stress to me that perception was reality. it didn't matter what was going on behind the scenes. to the world, you are what you show and allow them to see. in a way, i've understood his perspective. why would someone of affluence want to engage someone who may not be on the same "level"? Though unSpoKen, it's A rEFLECTION of how one might see oneSelf, as less than. Accepting thAt train of THOUGHT IS GIVING THE OTHER PERSON TOO MUCH POWER OVER HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF, AND THAT WILL EVENTUALLY MANIFEST IN OTHER AREAS. EVEN IN trying to UNDERSTAND THIS PERSPECTIVE, there is only one issue with this way of thinking: perception is not reality. for me it has become real simple. YOU CAN'T FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. AT WHAT POINT HAVE YOU MADE IT AND WHEN DOES THE FAKING STOP? THIS WAY OF THINKING CAN cAuse A SNOWBALL EFFECT which Is dangerous. It CAN RUIN A PERSON'S POWER, WILL, SELF CONFIDENCE, DIGNITY AND EVEN THEIR SANITY. ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS EARLY SUCCESS OR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT FROM OTHERS Because of THIS DECEPTION. Truthfully, THAT IS WHAT IT REALLY IS, PLACING VALUE ON PERCEPTION IS DECEPTION. EXCEPT YOU ARE NOT REALLY DECEIVING OTHERS, YOU ARE DECEIVING YOURSELF. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE HEARD STORIES OF ARTIST LIVING BEYOND THEIR MEANS BUT PORTRAYING THEMSELVES TO BE WEALTHY? WHO ARE THEY REALLY LYING TO? WHAT IS THE UNDERLYING ISSUE AT HAND WHERE, WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF? I AM CERTAINLY NOT ABOVE THIS. AND IT IS A TUG OF WAR FOR ME. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN IMPORTANT TO ME WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME, ESPECIALLY MY APPEARANCE. THE CLOTHES I WEAR MATTER. MY SNEAKERS MATTER. BEING "FRESH" MATTERS. BEING LIKEd AND ACCEPTED MATTERS, BUT DOES IT REALLY MATTER WHEN YOUR ARE LIKED FOR A CHARACTER YOU ARE PORTRAYING? I've substituted pride for dignity. Most of us wear masks. Mine happens to be the material and superficial. Clothing not only covers my body but covers my pain. My insecurities. GROWING UP I WAS BULLIED. AS AN EXAMPLEI GREW UP SELF CONSCIENCE ABOUT MY HEAD. I HAVE A BIG FOREHEAD SO AS SOON AS I WAS ABLE TO, I STARTED BUYING HATS. SO FOR ME IT WAS IMPORTANT TO BE KNOW AS THE KID WITH DOPE HATS INSTEAD OF THE KID WITH A BIG HEAD. IT WAS EASY TO FIND SHELTER BEHIND CLOTHING. MY CLOTHING PROTECTED ME FROM WORLD IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. I COULD EASILY TALK ABOUT FITTEDS, JERSEYS OR NIKES RATHER THAN FOCUS ON MYSELF AND WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH. I WAS ABLE CONTROL THE NARRATIVE OR SO I THOUGHT. I NEVER ADDRESSED THE REAL ISSUE. Placing value on the material IS THE result of the lack of value in oneself, myself. IT FEELS GOOD TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED FOR HAVING NICE SNEAKERS or the newest hat WHEN YOU REALLY HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT. LET ME BE CLEAR, MATERIAL POSSESSIONS AREN'T NECESSARILY A BAD THING. IT'S THE OBSESSION THAT'S THE ISSUE. THE REASONS WHY HOW WE ARE PERCEIVED MATTER TO US IS WHAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED. IT HAS BEEN A PROCESS JUST GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN BE HONEST AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT. PLACING VALUE ON PERCEPTION WILL LIMIT HOW YOU SHOULD PERCEIVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU. IS THAT IRONIC? THIS SHOULD APPLY TO ALL ASPECTS OF OUR LIVES. WHETHER YOU ARE A STRUGGLING ARTIST, A CHEF, TEACHER OR UBER DRIVER,IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP OR AN ABSENTEE FATHER, LIVE YOUR TRUTH. BE WHO YOU ARE AT THE MOMENT AND WORK TOWARDS THE GOALS IN MIND AND ACTUALLY BEING THE PERSON YOU WANT PEOPLE TO THINK YOU ARE. HAVE FAITH. FAITH IT TO YOU MAKE IT. TRUST IN GOD. WHEN YOU FEEL A NEED TO IMPRESS SOMEONE BY PORTRAYING THAT CHARACTER THAT YOU AREN'T YET, JUST REMEMBER: IF THAT PERSON DOESN'T LOVE YOU, SUPPORT YOU OR ENCOURAGE YOU DURING YOUR GRIND, THEY WON'T AT ANY TIME. I'LL TAKE LOVE THAT IS GENUINE FROM 3 PEOPLE ANY DAY OVER LOVE THAT ISN'T REAL FROM THE WORLD. I NOW SEE VALUING PERCEPTION SKEWS THAT PARADIGM. THAT IS REAL DECEPTION. "It was clear why the struggle was so painful, metamorphosis this is what I changeD to, and God I'm so thankful". This is an excerpt from "You're Da Man" BY NAS. AND These lyrics ARE POWERFUL. IN THE SONG, NAS TALKS ABOUT CONTINUED CHANGE THROUGHOUT HIS LIF; HAVING TO LEAVE A LIFESTYLE OF DRUGS, SEX, AND THE MATERIAL BEHIND BECAUSE IT WAS NOT CONDUCIVE TO HIS ADVANCEMENT. HE REALIZED THAT HE NEEDED TO TURN TO GOD AND ASK FOR HELP BECAUSE A TRANSITION WAS NECESSARY. THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THIS SONG I INSTANTLY RELATED TO WHAT HE WAS SAYING. SO MUCH SO THAT THE LYRICS ARE tattooed on the arm closest to my heart AS A constant reminder thaT struggle creates character, and thAT THE character struggle creates is YOU. THIS IS A BASIC PRINCIPAL WE NEED TO LEARN TO ACCEPT AND LEARN FROM.THE STRUGGLE IS AS VALUABLE AS THE RAIN. THE SUN ALWAYS LOOKS BRIGHTER AFTER A CLOUDY DAY. AND NOTHING GROWS WITHOUT WATER. STRUGGLE CAN COME IN VARIOUS FASHIONS. WHETHER SELF INFLICTED, CREATED BY THE CIRCUMSTANCES AROUND US OR A COMBINATION OF BOTH. I HAVE COME TO UNDERSTAND THAT WE MUST CONTINUE OUR JOURNEY DESPITE AND IN SPITE OF ADVERSITY. MY STRUGGLES ARE INTERNAL. I DEAL WITH A CONSTANT BACK AND FORTH IN MY MIND: What if I am not who I think I am; What if I am? What does that mean? THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN SELF DELUSION, SELF DEPRECATION AND MEEKNESS. AT TIMES, THOSE LINES ARE BLURRED. IT IS OFTEN TIMES A COLLISION OF THOUGHTS LIKE: I AM A DOPE CREATIVE AND I AM BETTER THAN MOST; MY CREATIONS ARE OK BUT AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH; OR WHAT I'VE CREATED SUCKS AND NO ONE IS INTERESTED, SO HOW CAN I POSSIBLY MAKE A LIVING? I STRUGGLE WITH THIS ON A DAILY BASIS. THE FEAR OF SUCCESS AND THE FEAR OF FAILURE; BOTH ARE PARALYZING. THE DEEPER I DIG THE MORE I REALIZE THE TRUTH IS SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS CHAOS OF THOUGHTS BECAUSE IT IS PROMISED THAT I WILL FAIL AND I WILL SUCCEED. I MUST ACCEPT THIS. WE MUST ACCEPT THIS. IT IS THE TRUTH. THE SUCCESS OF OUR JOURNEYS DEPENDS MORE ABOUT LEARNING FROM BOTH SIDES OF THE SPECTRUM THAN DWELLING ON EITHER SIDE OF THESE OPPOSITE EXPERIENCES. LIFE PROVIDES US WITH LESSONS THAT WE MUST CHOOSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE. BECAUSE THE REALITY IS THAT THERE CAN BE SUCCESS IN AND THROUGH FAILURE IF YOU KEEPING MOVING IN PURPOSE. I'VE PLACED BLAME ON OTHERS A MAJORITY OF MY ADULT LIFE AND HAVE HELD OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LACK OF SUCCESS. THOUGH THERE IS SOME TRUTH IN THE STATEMENT THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOLDING ME BACK OR NEGLECTING TO SUPPORT ME, THERE IS THEN THE FACT THAT WE WERE GIFTED WITH FREE WILL AND WITH FREE WILL COMES RESPONSIBILITY. IT'S DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR BAD CHOICES, AND UNDERSTANDING THE LESSONS IS ALWAYS AN UNWELCOME CHALLENGE. AS I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS PIECE, I BEGAN EXAMINING MY PAST AND WHERE THE BLAME SHOULD ACTUALLY GO. I ASKED MYSELF: HAVE I ACCEPTED THAT THE STRUGGLES I'VE BLAMED OTHERS FOR WERE ACTUAL LESSONS PREPARING ME? NO, I HADN'T. AS THIS INTERNAL DIALOGUE WAS TAKING PLACE I KEPT ON REPEATING THIS PHRASE: STOP QUESTIONING THEM AND START ANSWERING ME. AT FIRST, IT MADE SO MUCH SENSE TO ME! STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR STRUGGLES; YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE. BUT AS I CONTINUED REPEATING THIS, I HAD A SURREAL REALIZATION. THIS WASN'T ME SPEAKING AND THESE WEREN'T MY WORDS. THIS WAS GOD SPEAKING. STOP QUESTIONING THEM AND START ANSWERING ME. STOP QUESTIONING THEM AND START ANSWERING ME. I GET GOOSEBUMPS WRITING THIS BECAUSE I FELT THOSE WORDS IN THE FLESH AND IN THE SPIRIT. UP UNTIL LAST YEAR, GOD, FAITH & SPIRITUALITY HAD BEEN ABSENT FROM LIFE. I OPERATED IN THE PHYSICAL AND NOT IN THE PURPOSE GOD HAD INTENDED FOR ME. I NOW SEE I NEED TO STOP THIS INTERNAL CONFLICT, STOP ASSIGNING BLAME ON OTHERS, AND ANSWER TO GOD. I NEED TO STAY FOCUSED ON HIS INTENDED PURPOSE FOR ME WHICH IS TO USE THE GIFTS HE BLESSED ME WITH AS A SOURCE OF LIGHT AND INSPIRATION; TO WALK IN PURPOSE AND NOT BE RESTRAINED BY ADVERSITY OF ANY KIND; TO BE WHO I WAS ALWAYS INTENDED TO BE. THAT IS FREEDOM. ALL OF THIS MADE ME THINK ABOUT THE LIFE CYCLE OF A BUTTERFLY AND I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH. I FOUND OUT THAT A BUTTERFLY'S LIFESPAN IS ABOUT 2 MONTHS FROM THE LARVE STAGE UNTIL IT BECOMES AN ACTUAL BUTTERFLY. IT LIVES AS A BUTTERFLY FOR ONLY 2 WEEKS, AT MOST. SO, FOR 3/4 OF IT'S LIFE, THE BUTTERFLY IS LIMITED TO THE GROUND BUT CONSTANTLY CHANGING. WHILE IT IS IN THE caterpillar STAGE, IT slithers AWAY,slowly. whEN IT FINALLY BECOMES A butterfly, IT IS ABLE TO GLIDE. IT IS ABLE TO FLY. Most of us meander through life. HOW MANY OF US ARE TRULY FLYING? HOW MANY OF US ARE STUCK IN A RUT, ASSIGNING BLAME TO OTHERS, AND NOT MOVING PAST TRAUMAS? HOW MANY OF US ARE WITHOUT HOPE? our CONSCIOUSNESS HAS the capacity of acting as a cocoon FOR OUR SPIRITS. SPIRITS ARE REAL. A FORM OF ENERGY THAT IS ALL AROUND US. YOU CAN FEEL AT TIMES AS SOME WALK AROUND BROKEN AND MAD AT THE WORLD OR JOYUS AND CAREFREE. WE'VE ALL EXPERIENCED THIS. FOR INSTANCE, MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND INSTANTLY KNOWING IF THEY ARE SOMEONE YOU CAN CONNECT WITH OR NOT. SPIRITS THAT ARE WOUNDED HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES TO NEED TO BE CONFRONTED. IF WE ACCEPT EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH IN LIFE AS LESSONS, WE WOULD EVENTUALLY GROW INTO WHO WE ARE ACTUALLY MEANT TO BE: FREE WHAT do you desire? THAT QUESTION LIES IN YOUR HEART, AND GOD HAS PLACED IT THERE FOR A REASON. GO TO HIM AND ASK FOR GUIDANCE. The caterpillar desires to become a butterfly. To be free. That is it's purpose. Our spirits have the same desire; To be free. That comes with living in purpose. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU STRUGGLE WITH AND HOW TO START FACING IT. SHARE YOUR STRUGGLE AND SPEAK TO GOD. IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO FREE YOUR SPIRIT AND BECOME THE BUTTERFLY YOU WERE MEANT TO BE. PHOTO: JESSICA ARANGO EDIT: TITO ANTON
EVERYTHING THAT I WRITE ABOUT ARE THOUGHTS, EMOTIONS AND EXPERIENCES THAT I STRUGGLE WITH. I AM WRITING AND SHARING THEM BECAUSE IT IS MY HOPE THAT SOMEONE READING THIS CAN RELATE TO AND USE MY TESTIMONY AS A REFERENCE TO BUILD UP COURAGE AND FACE THEIR OWN STRUGGLES. IT PAINS ME TO NOTE THAT I REACHED MY THIRTIES WITHOUT BEING CONSCIOUS OF HOW BROKEN I WAS. AND IT HAS TAKEN SOME INTENTIONAL SOUL SEARCHING AND HUMILITY TO REALIZE HOW MY PAST WAS AFFECTING MY PRESENT, AND DIRECTLY EFFECTING MY FUTURE. IT IS NOT EASY TO ADMIT THAT I WAS DELIBERATELY AVOIDING UNRESOLVED TRAUMAS THROUGH THE USE OF ALCOHOL. INEBRIATION CREATED THE ILLUSION THAT THERE WASN'T ANYTHING I HAD TO DEAL WITH. THIS DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PERCEPTION AND REALITY IS SOMETHING I INTEND TO SPEAK ABOUT IN MORE DETAIL AT A LATER TIME AND IS IN LINE WITH MY PREVIOUS POST ROMANTICIZING FANTASY VS. LIVING IN REALITY. FOR NOW, I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU MY THOUGHTS ON LINEAR TIME. THE BEST WAY I CAN EXPLAIN LINEAR TIME IS COMPARING IT TO A FILM. WHEN WE SEE A FILM IN A THEATER IT IS SEQUENTIAL, WE SEE THE BEGINNING, MIDDLE AND END. BUT WHAT IF YOU TAKE THE ACTUAL FILM THE MOVIE WAS RECORDED ON AND LAY IT OUT, WHAT DO YOU SEE THEN? THE ENTIRE FILM ALL AT ONCE. SO IMAGINE REMOVING YOURSELF FROM YOUR REALITY AND BEING ABLE TO TAKE A GLIMPSE INTO THE HISTORY OF THE KNOWN UNIVERSE. OUR PERCEPTION OF TIME AND SPACE IS LIMITED AND ONLY GOD CAN SEE TIME THIS WAY. ALL OF TIME IS HAPPENING AT ONCE. IT'S ALL TIED TOGETHER AND INTERCONNECTED. THIS EXPLAINS THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU. THAT FEELING OF OH I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE, OR OH I'VE MET THAT PERSON ALREADY. THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE. THAT'S MY THEORY, HOPE THAT WASN'T TOO SCI-FI. HAVING SAID THAT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT, ALTHOUGH WE ARE UNABLE TO CHANGE WHAT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED, WE ARE IN FULL CONTROL OF THE THINGS WE ARE CURRENTLY DOING AND WILL DO. THAT IS FREE WILL. AND FREE WILL IS A GIFT FROM GOD.
THE PRESENT IS WHERE WE HAVE A CHANCE TO MOLD OURSELVES ON A DAILY BASIS. THE PAST MAY BE CEMENTED BUT THE FUTURE IS STILL BEING CREATED. I LIKE TO THINK ABOUT THIS CONCEPT IN A VISUAL SENSE USING WATER IN IT'S THREE STATES: ICE, LIQUID AND VAPOR; ICE BEING THE PAST, LIQUID BEING THE PRESENT AND VAPOR BEING THE FUTURE. TWO OF THE THREE ARE TANGIBLE, RIGHT? AND THE THIRD IS SUBJECT TO ENVIRONMENTAL CONDITIONING BEFORE IT BECOMES FELT, LIKE: FOR INSTANCE: MIST, FOG, RAIN, HAIL, SNOW, ETC. HERE IS WHERE ALL OF THIS CAME INTO AWARENESS IN MY EXPERIENCE. AN EXAMPLE OF THIS WOULD BE A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP I WAS IN THAT ENDED POORLY. I WAS HEARTBROKEN. THAT HEARTBREAK DID NOT ALLOW ME TO MOVE FORWARD INTO OTHER REAL RELATIONSHIPS FOR NEARLY A DECADE. I LET THE PAIN OF THE PAST AFFECT MY PRESENT, UNTIL I DECIDED MY FUTURE WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE PAST. IF WE CONSIDER BAD EXPERIENCES AND TRAUMAS FROM OUR PAST AS PIECES OF A GLACIER BREAKING OFF INTO THE OCEAN, WE MAY BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE PAST IS INFLUENCING OUR PRESENT AND BE PROACTIVE ABOUT PROTECTING OURSELVES AND OUR FUTURES FROM ADVERSE EFFECTS. JUST AS GLOBAL WARMING AND THE MELTING OF THE ICE CAPS ARE RAISING THE OCEAN LEVELS AND CREATING NEW CLIMATE PATTERNS ALL OVER THE WORLD, SO CAN OUR PAST AFFECT OUR PRESENT IN A WAY THAT HAS FAR REACHING EFFECTS ON OUR LIFE’S JOURNEY. IF WE ARE MINDFUL OF THESE OCCURRENCES AND USE OUR POWER AS CREATORS IN OUR PRESENT TO INTENTIONALLY BREAK THROUGH THE DISCOMFORT AND MANAGE THE REPeRCUSSIONS OF OUR PAST EMERGING FROM OUR SUBCONSCIOUS, WE CAN USE THEM AS TOOLS TO GROW AND EVOLVE. WE MUST CONSIDER THAT THE PAST IS NOT TRULY FORGOTTEN. RATHER, IT IS STORED AWAY IN THE ATTICS AND BASEMENTS OF OUR SUBCONSCIOUS. THE WARMTH OF GOOD MEMORIES, AND THE SADNESS OF BAD ONES, ARE A PART OF US. WE CANNOT ALLOW PIECES OF BAD MEMORIES TO ACCUMULATE AND STAGNATE OUR PRESENT. IF WE DO, WE COULD FIND OURSELVES EXPERIENCING THE EFFECT OF SPIRITUAL DAMS THAT CAN IMPEDE THE FLOW OF LIFE. IS IT FAIR TO ALLOW THE INTENTIONAL MOLDING OF OUR PRESENT TO COME TO A HALT BECAUSE OF THE PAST? SHOULD WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO REMAIN STUCK AND UNABLE TO TRULY MOVE FORWARD? IF WE ALLOW OUR PAST EXPERIENCES, WHETHER IT IS A BAD RELATIONSHIP, ABANDONMENT ISSUES, OR HAVING MADE THE WRONG CHOICES TO DOMINATE THE DYNAMICS OF THE PRESENT, LIFE AS WE KNOW IT CAN FEEL LIKE IT HAS PLATEAUED. AREN’T WE CALLED TO BE POWERFUL AND FEARLESS? DO WE WANT TO LIVE LIFE ON PLATEAUS OR AT THE HEIGHT OF OUR DREAMS? I HAVE FOUND IT IMPERATIVE TO PROACTIVELY CHIP AWAY AT THE GLACIAL ICE OF A PAST I HAVE NOT FACED. NOT ONLY THAT, I HAVE CREATED A SPACE IN MY MIND WHERE IT IS SAFE TO PROCESS THE BITS AND PIECES OF MEMORIES FROM MY SUBCONSCIOUS THAT REQUIRE QUARANTINE. I KNOW I CANNOT LET A NEGATIVE PAST CONTINUE TO INFLUENCE MY LIFE’S DYNAMICS, PERSPECTIVES AND IMPULSES. I RECOGNIZE THAT MY FUTURE DEPENDS ON MAKING SURE I AM, IN ALL AREAS, FLUID AND DEVOTED TO MY PRESENT; NOT DISTRACTED OR HINDERED BY PATTERNS DEVELOPED TO KEEP ME SAFE FROM A PAST THAT COULD HAVE DESTROYED ME. NO LONGER WORRIED ABOUT SURVIVING BUT, RATHER, FOCUSED ON THRIVING, THERE IS ROOM FOR SELF-REFLECTION AND HEALING. THE FUTURE IS INTANGIBLE, I KNOW. BUT, LIKE I MENTIONED, THERE IS NO SENSE IN TRYING TO GRAB SOMETHING YOU CANNOT TOUCH. SO, KNOWING THE FUTURE AND PRESENT INTERSECT AT EACH SECOND, MINUTE, AND HOUR, WE KNOW THAT THE PRESENT IS BECOMING THE PAST AND THE FUTURE STARTS TAKING SHAPE AT THE SAME RATE. WHAT BECOMES OF PARAMOUNT IMPORTANCE IS HOW WE MANAGE THE TIME WE HAVE AND THE CHOICES WE MAKE IN EACH MOMENT. ARE WE BUILDING THE FUTURE WE WANT? ARE WE EFFECTING THE VAPOR OF TIME TO MANIFEST ITSELF IN THE FORM WE NEED? I HAVE TO ADMIT, THIS CONCEPT HAS HELPED ME BUT IS STILL HARD FOR ME TO GRASP. RECOGNIZING THE ESSENCE OF TIME AND NOT ACTIVELY APPLYING THE NECESSARY CHANGES IS HYPOCRITICAL, I KNOW. THAT IS WHY I AM WORKING TO BECOME BETTER AT BEING PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE. I KNOW I CANNOT LET MY PAST DEFINE MY PRESENT OR ALLOW MY PRESENT CHOICES TO BE ONES THAT DETER MY FUTURE BUT THERE ARE TIMES I FIND MYSELF IN OLD PATTERNS. FOR INSTANCE, SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS WORKING OUT AND GOING TO THE GYM HAS BEEN A HUGE CHALLENGE FOR ME FOR A LONG TIME. I TRY AND THEN GIVE UP. THAT IS MY PATTERN. WHAT I’VE CONCLUDED IS THAT EXPERIENCES FROM MY PAST TELL ME I'M A QUITTER AND I LIVE UP TO THAT TITLE DESPITE IT’S NEGATIVE IMPACT ON MY SUCCESS. I ALSO RECOGNIZE I WAS RAISED TO BELIEVE THAT I DON'T DESERVE WHAT I WANT. THEREFORE, I DO NOT DESERVE TO LOOK OR FEEL THE WAY I ENVISION. IT’S NOT EASY TO ADMIT THAT THE RESULTS I HOPE FOR THE FUTURE HAVE NOT COME TO FRUITION BECAUSE OF MY CHOICE TO ALLOW SUBCONSCIOUS, UNEXAMINED BELIEFS DETERMINE MY COURSE OF ACTION. AND SO I RECOGNIZE THAT I HAVE TO CHIP AWAY AT THOSE BELIEFS AND QUARANTINE THEM; ANALYZE THEM AND COME TO NEW CONCLUSIONS ABOUT MYSELF THEREBY MAKING BETTER CHOICES. IT’S NOT EASY BUT, EVERY DAY, I WORK HARDER TO ENSURE TODAY IS FULL OF CHOICES THAT GET ME CLOSER TO MY GOALS. THE FUTURE ME DOESN'T EXIST YET; TODAY IS WHEN I CAN, AND SHOULD, START TO BECOME HIM BY REPROGRAMMING MYSELF AND GAINING FREEDOM FROM THE NEGATIVE THOUGHT PATTERNS BIRTHED IN THE PAST; BY ACTUALLY CONFRONTING THE PAST AND PUSHING THROUGH IT; BY BECOMING MORE ALIGNED WITH SPIRITUALITY; BY SHARING MY JOURNEY AND EMBRACING FORGIVENESS, LOVE, COMPASSION… I AM DEFINITELY A WORK IN PROGRESS, AS IS THE APPLICATION OF THIS CONCEPT AND THE MOTIVATION OR DESIRE TO USE IT. I REFLECT ON IT OFTEN AND SEE LIFE ITSELF IS LIKE THE OCEAN, WITH WAVES ALWAYS IN MOTION. TIME, LIKE THE CURRENT, NEVER STOPS. WITH EVERY WAVE AND CURRENT, WE ARE GIVEN OPPORTUNITIES TO MOVE FORWARD YET SOMETIMES ARE BLINDED BY OUR OWN INIQUITY AND STUCK ON TRYING TO REMEDY SITUATIONS WITH OLD HABITS INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR NEW SOLUTIONS; KIND OF LIKE GETTING CAUGHT IN A RIP TIDE. SOMETIMES I FEEL SHIP-WRECKED AND STRANDED ON AN ISLAND. CAN YOU IMAGINE YOURSELF THERE? SUPPOSE A SHIP COMES BY THAT IS ABLE TO RESCUE YOU FROM YOUR CIRCUMSTANCE. WOULD YOU BE TOO BUSY TRYING TO FIX THE OLD BROKEN DOWN ONE THAT GOT YOU STRANDED AND MISS THE SHIP THAT’S COME TO YOUR RESCUE? THE SIMPLE ANSWER IS NO, OF COURSE NOT! THAT WOULD BE FOOLISH! YOU WOULD GET ON THE SAVING SHIP AND BE GRATEFUL TO BE RESCUED. BUT, HOW MANY OF US ARE STILL TOILING AWAY, WORKING ON OUR BROKEN DOWN SHIP, TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF EXPERIENCES FROM THE PAST BOTH GOOD AND BAD, ALLOWING THEM TO MOLD AND INFLUENCE OUR PERSPECTIVE ON THE PRESENT. COMPLETELY MISSING OUR CHANCE AT MOVING ON. HOW MANY OF US ARE LETTING THE PAST AFFECT US TO OUR DETRIMENT? HOW MANY TIMES HAS THE PAST GOTTEN IN THE WAY OF YOU SEEING THE BLESSINGS RIGHT BEFORE YOU? BELIEVE ME, IT’S HAPPENED TO ME MORE THAN I’D CARE TO ADMIT. AND SO, I AM HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE TO A NEW STANDARD BY SHARING THIS ALL WITH YOU. MY FOCUS IS RESTING ON THIS CONCEPT AS A BEACON TO EMPOWER ME AS I BREAK THE CHAINS OF THE PAST. TODAY IS WHEN WE HAVE A CHANCE TO CORRECT THE ISSUES TROUBLING US. WAITING FOR TOMORROW WILL ONLY BE A WASTE OF TIME. WE CANNOT STAY STAGNANT OR PLATEAUED IF WE INTEND TO LIVE OUR LIVES TO THE FULLEST. I AM STARTING WITH MAKING SMALL CHANGES IN THE WAY I THINK AND SEEKING COUNSEL FROM PEOPLE I TRUST. I AM EVEN CONSIDERING A THERAPIST OR A PASTOR. I’M STARTING BECAUSE I KNOW THE FUTURE DOESN'T EXIST YET. THE PAST HAS ALREADY HAPPENED AND I AM WHO I'VE BECOME BECAUSE OF IT. I AM COMING TO TERMS WITH UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS ALL BY DESIGN. I’M DOING MY BEST TO WALK BY FAITH AND QUESTION JUST ENOUGH. WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO CREATE WHAT WE ENVISION. WE HAVE THE POWER TO MATERIALIZE THE DREAMS AND DESIRES OF OUR HEARTS. WORRYING ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE YET TO HAPPEN WILL NOT HELP. ACCEPTING THAT IT IS STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS FOR ME BECAUSE WORRY IS ANOTHER PATTERN I’VE LIVED WITH. BUT ONCE I EMBRACE THE IDEA THAT WORRY CAN BE REPLACED WITH COURAGE I AM REMINDED THAT THE FUTURE STARTS NOW. The importance of fathers cannot be understated. Especially in the lives of young men who need a paternal figure to guide them. It is no coincidence that a disproportionate amount of men incarcerated come from fatherless homes. This piece is in no way intended to diminish the importance of mothers, as I know personally I wouldn't be where I am and who I've become without my mother (and sister). They are the epitome of strength and sacrifice. And I am eternally grateful to them. The purpose of this is to highlight the importance of fathers. Being a father is just not being there, but being present. There is a difference. Posting photos on social media claiming to love your child is not being a father. Providing. Teaching. Protecting. Being involved in the development of your child, those are some of the job requirements. I didn't receive that, no positive male influence to speak of. I was a fatherless son.
Growing up It wasn't even a conscious thing for me. it was sort of the norm. I was just a kid with no father. That all changed one morning in my late twenties. I was siting in my living room with a friend of mine, we had been drinking. somehow the conversation veered into how much he loved his father. He started listing things he had learned from his father, wisdom. A lot of the things he mentioned were area in which I felt I lacked, being "a man". At that moment it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn't have a father. It hurt, deeply. In the following years I've tried different ways of coping. I considered reaching out but came to the conclusion that really wouldn't help. I wouldn't believe anything he could've told me, but there are reasons. The dynamic in my scenario gets a bit complicated. A part of me could better understand the decision my father made to leave if it were just that he didn't want to have a family. It turns out that's not the case. He had several other children besides my sister and myself. The icing on the cake is that he named his first born son from his new marriage after himself, which just happened to be my name. I was his namesake. He basically replaced me. His mirror image. Left to fend for myself, alone, scared and unsure. No guide. We needed you. I needed you. The times when I lacked courage, I needed you. When I fell off my bike I needed you to be there to tell me to get back on. I never did. The times I've felt alone and needed a friend, I deserved that. Why weren't you there? Was it something I did? I look just like you, how could you leave me? So many unanswered questions. I yearn to know where I come from. Is my intellect, musical talent and intuition innate, God given or something passed down onto me? What wisdom could you have shared with me? What did you learn from your father? This is the load created on the fatherless. Unanswered questions. Insecurity. Doubt. Self loathing. These traumas are things we carry into our adult lives. It is something that only faith can heal. Acknowledgement is the first step. Being unafraid to confront and share your pain. My pain. We are not alone. Believing that it is not our fault we were abandoned. We did nothing wrong. The fathers that left us didn't love themselves, and quite honestly we were probably better off for it. That's a lot easier to comprehend now, as an adult. The after effects of abandonment run deep. It's affected my self confidence, heighten my insecurities and it's been a struggle to even like, Let alone love myself. How could I? My father didn't. Sharing has been a tremendous help. Speaking to others who have experienced similar issues let's you know that you are not alone. Looking to the Word. Faith and spirituality. Learning to forgive, others and oneself. Learning to love, that's been key. Loving and accepting myself has probably been the most difficult thing of all but being surrounded by love makes it easier. My fiancé, family, friends, BIBLE STUDY, God. I thank you. I want to end this piece with a letter I would hope my father could read: I don't know you, but I love you. I wish things would've been different but they aren't. even though I am the fruit of your seed I am not a part of your tree. You were the wind that carried the seed where it needed to be planted. And like that, you were gone. You were this mythical figure that existed in this far off land, spoken so highly of. I look like you, sound like you. Last time I saw you I noticed we even have the same hands. I thought being your son was a part of my purpose, to carry on the lineage. To learn from you. To be nurtured by you. To grow in your presence. To make you proud. I was wrong. I needed to see that i am a part of something bigger, that's not physical, visible or limited. I have carried the scars of the wound created by your abandonment, consciously and subconsciously all my life. The irony is that I am now thankful and somehow grateful. I now see you are not the Father I needed to look up to. My connection to the Creator is what I've lacked, and that relationship is burgeoning. Your purpose was fulfilled. You couldn't guide me because you weren't meant to. JOB 14:7-9 "FOR THERE IS HOPE FOR A TREE, WHEN IT IS CUT DOWN, THAT IT WILL SPROUT AGAIN, AND ITS SHOOTS WILL NOT FAIL. THOUGH ITS ROOTS GROW OLD IN THE GROUND AND ITS STUMP DIES IN THE DRY SOIL, AT THE SCENT OF WATER IT WILL FLOURISH AND PUT FORTH SPRIGS LIKE A PLANT." LAST FRIDAY I WAS WALKING FROM MY PART TIME JOB TO MY STUDIO/OFFICE SPACE. I USUALLY TAKE THE TRAIN BUT I GOT A RIDE AND DECIDED TO WALK A COUPLE OF AVENUES. ON THE WAY, THERE IS A CHURCH I'VE WALKED BY MANY TIMES BEFORE. I'VE ALWAYS NOTICED THIS MAJESTIC EDIFICE BUT NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO THE DETAIL SURROUNDING IT. I SLOWED DOWN MY PACE. IT WAS AROUND SUNSET SO THERE WAS STILL SOME SUNLIGHT OUT. THE WAY LIGHTNING HIT THE TREES SPOKE TO ME. I USUALLY FEEL THE NEED TO IGNORE THE FEELING TO STOP AND TAKE A PICTURE, BUT I DID ANYWAY. I STOOD THERE FOR A MOMENT AND ADMIRED SOMETHING THAT I HADN'T BEFORE. THE TREE ITSELF. I THOUGHT OF HOW THIS TREE STANDS FIRM THROUGH ALL SEASONS. HOW THE TREE RIDS ITSELF OF THE LEAVES IT NEEDS TO LET GO OF, FOR A SEASON, AND REPLENISHES THOSE LEAVES WHEN THE SEASON IS RIGHT. THROUGH EACH SEASON, THIS TREE GOES THROUGH STORMY WEATHER YET REMAINS FIRM. IT IS BALANCED. IT KNOWS ITS PLACE. THAT IS BECAUSE IT IS ROOTED. BARRING CATASTROPHE, THE TREE WILL LIVE OUT IT'S COURSE MAINTAINING THE CYCLE OF LIFE THROUGH ALL SEASONS. THE TREE IS ROOTED AND SERVES ITs PURPOSE. THIS MADE ME THINK ABOUT MYSELF. ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS HAS ALWAYS BEEN MY MOTTO. THAT BEING SAID I REALIZED THAT SOMETIMES WHERE THE WIND TAKES YOU, YOU DON'T NEED TO GO. IN THAT MOMENT IT CAME TOGETHER FOR ME. I NEED TO BE LIKE THAT TREE AND NOT ONE OF IT'S LEAVES.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN KNOWN AS SOMEONE WHO GOES WITH THE FLOW. COOL WITH WHATEVER IS CLEVER. BEING A FOLLOWER. CONVINCING MYSELF AT TIMES THAT THIS WAS WHO I AM. I'VE NEVER BEEN KNOWN AS SOMEONE WHO STOOD FIRM IN CONVICTION. FOR THE MOST PART I'VE KEPT MY IDEAS, OPINIONS, ADVICE AND Dreams TO MYSELF. BECAUSE I WASN'T ROOTED, I've LIVED A SUPERFICIAL EXISTENCE. UNSURE. WANTING TO BE LIKED. LOOKING FOR ACCEPTANCE. MOTIVATED BY THE POSSIBILITY OF FINANCIAL GAIN AND NOTORIETY. I KNEW SUBCONSCIOUSLY I HAD MORE TO OFFER, BUT CONVINCED IT DIDN'T MATTER. ALLOWING MY LIFE TO BE DICTATED BY THE DESIRES OF OTHERS. EXPERIENCE IS A GREAT TEACHER AND I WOULD NOT BE WHO I AM TODAY WITHOUT THOSE EXPERIENCES. i've spent much time PONDERing WHAT DIFFERENCES WOULD HAVE MANIFESTED HAD I BEEN ROOTED. LUCKILY, I DON'T HAVE TO WONDER ANY LONGER. THIS TESTIMONY has a lot to do with FAITH. when i speak of faith, please know that this is multilayered. Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something. not only did i lack faith in myself, but also in god. building that relationship with god has started to heal wounds that have prevented me from believing in my true purpose. the fact that i am currently writing this piece is an example of the wound of insecurity beginning to heal. this new found spirituality has allowed me to understand what it means to be & how to be rooted. in order for us to be who we are intended to be, we have to stand firm in what we believe. for me that is aspiring to inspire through my gifts, regardless of circumstance or in the presence of OPPOSITION. that's conviction. IN LIFE WE ALL GO THROUGH SEASONS. GOOD TIMES AND BAD. rejection and acceptance. WITHIN THOSE SEASONS WE EXPERIENCE STORMY WEATHER. WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH THOSE MOMENTS SHAPE US. we need TO HOLD ONTO THE THINGS WE BELIEVE IN, because at the core that is who we are. NOT GIVING UP WHEN THINGS GET DIFFICULT. NOT SLOWING DOWN WHEN WE PROSPER. STANDING FIRM, LIKE THAT TREE. I CONTINUE TO WORK CONSTANTLY ON RIDDING THOSE UNWANTED LEAVES and replace them with new ones in due time. I AM A Creator, a MUSICIAN, A GRAPHIC DESIGNER, A lover, a friend, a brother, an uncle, a son, a denim and plaid aficionado, an enthusiast of POLITICS and comic books and a person of faith. this is WHO I AM AND WHO I'VE ALWAYS BEEN. like that tree, i hope to be this person through every season. LIKE KID CUDI SINGS, "I AIN'T RIDING NO WAVES, TOO BUSY MAKING MY OWN WAVES." IT TAKES COURAGE. THIS IS STEP ONE. PIECING IDEAS AND THOUGHTS, AND PUTTING THEM INTO ACTUAL WORDS. THE WORDS STARING BACK AT YOU FROM A SCREEN. READING AND RE-READING, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF WHAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN MAKES ANY SENSE. WILL ANYONE READ? WILL ANYONE RELATE? DOES ANYONE CARE? AND THE BIG ONE, AM I WASTING MY TIME? I'VE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY COME TO THE CONCLUSION, NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS MATTER.ESPECIALLY THE ONE PERTAINING TO WASTING TIME. THE INACTION CAUSED BY THE CONSTANT BACK AND FORTH QUESTIONING PURPOSE, IS THE WASTE. OUR INSECURITIES DOMINANT OUR THOUGHT PATTERNS WHEN IT COMES TO PASSION PROJECTS AND CREATIVE ENDEAVORS. I'VE RECENTLY FELT A STRONG, PERSISTENT NEED TO SHARE MY EXPERIENCES AND THE THINGS THAT I HAVE LEARNED. I THINK THAT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SPIRITUALITY AND PURPOSE. THANKS TO A BIBLE STUDY I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING FOR THE LAST 10 MONTHS, THAT WORD PURPOSE HAS STUCK WITH ME. BEING IN TUNE WITH FAITH AND SPIRITUALITY WAS SOMETHING I'VE LACKED MY ENTIRE LIFE. WHY AM I DOING THE THINGS I AM? IS IT FOR PERSONAL ADULATION?FOR ME, THAT QUESTION OF PURPOSE HAS BEEN ANSWERED WITH INSPIRATION. I WOULD LIKE TO BE SOMEONE WHO INSPIRES OTHERS NOT TO BE AFRAID TO BE THEIR TRUE SELF. NOT AFRAID TO BE A MALCONTENT TO THE PRESSURES OF SOCIETAL NORMS. BUT COMING TO THESE REALIZATIONS COMES AT A PRICE. SEE, A LOT OF THE TIME I LIVE IN FANTASY. BELIEVE YOU ME, THINKING THOSE WORDS IS NOT AN EASY THING. TYPING THEM WITH THE INTENT TO SHARE IS EVEN HARDER. BUT I NEED TO BE TRUTHFUL IN ORDER TO BE BELIEVED AND INSPIRE. I FEEL AT EASE SHARING THIS KNOWING I AM NOT ALONE. I CALL THIS SYMPTOM "ROMANTICIZING FANTASY". THOSE OF US WHO SUFFER FROM THIS ARE DREAMERS, CREATIVES AND ENTREPRENEURS WHO BECOME OVERWHELMED WITH THE ACTUAL WORK REQUIRED TO BE SUCCESSFUL. WE BECOME IN LOVE WITH THE FANTASY, A PARALLEL WORLD WE CREATE IN OUR MINDS OF THE LIFE WE SHOULD BE LIVING. THIS ALSO HAPPENS IN OTHER AREAS OF LIFE, AND IS MANIFESTED THROUGH THE USE OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. I AM PARTICULARLY FOCUSING ON THE FANTASTICAL IMAGINATION PORTION, BECAUSE IT AFFECTS ME MORESO THAN THE OTHER VICES. DREAMING IS GREAT. THE PURPOSE OF ME WRITING THIS IS NOT TO DISCOURAGE DREAMING. DREAMS ARE WHERE OUR INSPIRATION ORIGINATE. BUT HAVING A HEALTHY DOSAGE OF DREAMS WITH REAL WORLD ACTUALIZATION IS NECESSARY. MYSELF, I AM A DECENTLY TALENTED INDIVIDUAL. I LOVE CREATING MUSIC AND GRAPHIC DESIGNS. THE MAJORITY OF THOSE CREATIONS THOUGH, HAVE BEEN STORED AWAY IN HARD DRIVES AND NOT SHARED WITH THE WORLD. I HAVE BEEN CALLED A "HOARDER OF TALENT". I HAVE USED SOCIAL MEDIA AS A MEDIUM TO SHARE SOME OF THOSE CREATIONS. BEING ABLE TO SHARE THROUGH THOSE PLATFORMS HAS INADVERTENTLY, BUT NOW CONSCIOUSLY FILLED A VOID. IT GIVES ME THE PERCEPTION, FOR JUST AN INSTANT, THAT I AM ACCOMPLISHED. THAT IS CRAZY. I WORKED FOR 2 YEARS ON AN ELECTRONIC MUSIC PROJECT THAT I RELEASED WORLDWIDE. I RECEIVED A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF GREAT FEEDBACK. BUT MY LOVE FOR FANTASY STALL ANY MOMENT THAT I HAD GAINED. A COMBINATION OF FEAR, INSECURITY & INSTANT GRATIFICATION OF SOCIAL MEDIA MADE IT EASY TO RESIDE IN FANTASY. THE BIGGEST LESSON I'VE LEARNED FROM THIS IS ONE THING: PEOPLE WHO ARE SUCCESSFUL, IN AY FIELD ARE THE ONES WHO DO MORE THAN THEY SAY OR THINK. DOERS. MY FIANCE AND I WERE WATCHING A BUNCH OF DIFFERENT YOUTUBE VIDEOS. PEOPLE WITH OVER 10 MILLION VIEWS AND SUCH. MAKING A LIVING OUT OF POSTING VIDEOS. AND I'M ON THE OTHER END. WATCHING. FULL OF PASSION AND IDEAS. BUT NOT ACTING ON THOSE IDEAS. BEING A CRITIC OF PEOPLE DOING. PLAYING THE SIDELINES WHILE TIME IS SLIPPING BY. IN LOVE WITH CREATING IDEAS BUT NOT CREATING IN REALITY. SO WHAT'S THE SOLUTION? DOING. NOT BEING SATISFIED WITH SHARING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. NOT SATISFIED WITH PLANNING. NOT JUST DREAMING. BUT PUTTING IDEAS INTO WORDS. WORDS INTO ACTIONS. YOU HAVE READ MINE. I'M PUTTING MY IDEAS INTO WORDS. BELIEVE ME, LIVING IN REALITY, PURSUING YOUR PASSION IS MUCH MORE SATISFACTORY THAN CONTINUING LIFE PURPOSELESS BECAUSE OF INACTION. SUCCESS IS NOT GUARANTEED, BUT FAILURE IS, IF YOU DO NOT ACT. PHOTO:JESSICA ARANGO EDIT:TITO ANTON |